0:00–This episode was written by Ryan Murphy, who’s been wildly up and down this season.

0:40–I’ve already had this discussion in a previous post, but I wish that the writers had a clue about Jesse. They know Jonathan Groff can sing (can he ever), but every time he comes on the show he feels more and more like the guest star who moved in without asking anyone first.

0:43–…is Naya Rivera wearing clothes?

1:18–This was a point of contention with me when Cory Monteith was still singing all the time. They’ve really backed off on making him a main character this season. He doesn’t really get his own plots anymore: he’s just a prop for Rachel/Kurt/Quinn plots.

2:00–Thinking like that is why the average baseball fan’s understanding of the sport is stuck in about 1950.

2:11–Lactating with rage, horny with grief. Look, a joke-making formula!

2:23–Howard Bamboo! He’s alive!

4:31–And Becky Jackson becomes the first person who ever asked to be in the glee club and got turned away.

4:48–Will has historically not had a clue about Sue’s relationship with Becky, dating all the way back to Wheels. Why start now?

4:58–Everyone knew someone was supposed to die in this episode. My money was on a longshot, Quinn’s dad. Jean Sylvester was probably as good a choice as any.

6:12–Yeah, we miss the baby fat. Made her look healthy.

6:20–Good God, they resisted the temptation to throw another slushie at her while signing up. Is this self-restraint or an oversight?

6:30–Yes you do.

7:07–I shouldn’t say this publicly, but my intended wardrobe for when I’m teaching is going to be a lot like Will’s. With better vests, but still…vests.

7:47–If all the Type A people in the world were to have an election to choose a king for themselves (man, there are a lot of potential jokes here), I think my dad would have a decent shot at  winning. That’s why I’m less impressed by the boxes with labels with neatly folded clothes inside than Will is, I think. His dad burned down their house when Will was a cub.

8:04–Sentimentality! On this show? Never!

9:29–Every now and then, Glee makes someone relatable who had previously not been: Quinn in Preggers, Sue in Wheels, Santana in Sectionals or Sexy, depending on where you think that process started with her. But where Sue differs from Quinn and Santana is that they have to keep making Sue the villain. Quinn was never meant to be purely antagonistic for long. Controlling and ambitious like Caesar, but never purely antagonistic. Santana is harder to define, but the show decided to have her come out, and the insecurities she has about her sexuality have made her incredibly relatable–more so, perhaps, than Kurt.

9:40–

Ready photon torpedoes, Number One.

 10:15–I’m starting understand why liberal humanists prefer the showing of themes rather than the telling. Telling people what the theme in every episode is just so annoying…

10:37–Jesse: making sense, looking heartless. Sigh.

12:09–Poor UCLA.

12:21–From here until about 24:40, the only things happening are the four audition pieces. And this calls to attention a serious issue with this episode of Glee. Most episodes of Glee are somewhere between 42:30 and 44:30 in length. This one clocks in at 43:59. But twelve of those minutes are mostly singing. Offhand, that doesn’t seem unusual for Glee either.  The problem lies in the fact that all the musical performances but one in this episode are smushed into one section, and quite frankly, we didn’t really need to hear any of them. None of them drove the plot. It was just an iTunes section that also covered up the lack of material. There’s enough material here for about half an hour. I’m starting to understand why they usually have three subplots per episode: it’s unwieldy and clumsy when they do it, but at least it gives them 42:30-44:30 per episode.

13:40–Nameless bass kid with a bad haircut is one of my favorite characters on the show.

14:18–Kitty!

14:26–One of my favorite movies is the 2006 British import The History Boys, based on Alan Bennett’s play of the same name. I bring this up because there’s a line where the school’s sour headmaster (played by Clive Merrison) says in this awful voice, “Don’t give me that Cardinal Wolsey shit!” That’s the voice I wish I could use whenever someone talks about the “emotional truth” of a song.

14:41–I actually liked that Santana, Kurt, Mercedes, and Rachel went with artists that they had previously had some experience singing. Santana now has two Amy Winehouse songs (“Valerie” and “Back to Black”), Kurt has two from Gypsy (“Rose’s Turn” and “Some People”), Mercedes has songs sung by the Queen and the King of Soul (“Ain’t No Way” and “Try a Little Tenderness,” respectively), and Rachel goes back Barbra Streisand  with “My Man” after “Don’t Rain on My Parade,” “Papa, Can You Hear Me?,” etc. It was actually close to verisimilitude, which is nice. I know that if I ever had to audition for anything ever again, I’d pick some male solo from a Boublil/Schoenberg musical like I had before.

17:05–Yep, back when I rooted for Kurt to succeed. And because I haven’t said this in a while: his “Defying Gravity” is better than Lea Michele’s, deal with it.

18:03–I would have cared more about that egg scene if I thought it would actually trickle over into this season for no reason at all. Alas, optimism.

20:33–I’ve been saying for a long time now that regardless of how good Amber Riley is, Lea Michele is still a better singer. And I think that’s still true. But in this episode, no one came anywhere close to Riley’s singing.

20:50–Little moments like this for Will are reminiscent of Billy Joel’s song “Keeping the Faith,” in which the singer starts by saying that he’s not lost in the past, but then goes on for three minutes about his past.

21:02–

21:26–Again, Jesse is the voice of wisdom masked in douchebaggery. I had an English professor who said that if we were geniuses who didn’t have to work on our writing, we would have known by now. Similar advice to Mercedes here.

21:55–I’m having a really hard time understanding what reigniting the Jesse/Rachel flame does for this show. I would say that the writers have a plan, but that would be completely out of character for them.

22:09–That shot is probably as good a representation of Glee as any other one. They want to make you laugh and they want to make you feel something at the same time. Perhaps it’s telling that “Nessy Club” was funnier than the prospect of Finchel was moving.

22:45–Is “Rachel cries during the song” a meme yet?

25:29–This is why we have overcrowded houses. People use unnecessary physical helpmeets for mental stimulation.

25:39–Up there with “When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.” Or “China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.”

26:07–Sue is having multiple personalities with grief is more like it. I haven’t seen such rapid personality shifts since I watched Aaron Eckhart in The Dark Knight.

26:22–Something tells me that that’s not the interior of a Le Car.

27:30–That’s probably one of the best things that Kurt’s ever said on this show.

30:24–It’s funny, because that eulogy would have been the height of cheese on so many other shows, but in the strange world of Glee, this is actually pretty earnest and honest. How sick is that?

31:16–Every time I see a photo montage like that in a movie/TV funeral, I can’t focus on the “poignancy” of the moment because I’m always jarred, as all of those have to be staged at some point.

31:30–Wow, Tina didn’t break down in the middle of her solo this time. Crazy.

31:52–I guess women don’t have to wear black to funerals anymore. Or maybe that fits into the “joy of life, not a focus on death” theme of the funeral. (This is one of my rare neutral observations.)

32:01–”Don’t give me that Cardinal Wolsey shit!”

33:02–While we’re on our British movie kick, here’s a superior funeral scene.

33:23–Whiplash.

34:05–At the risk of descending into pure, crappy Bill Simmons territory, let us suggest that what the fat lady is to Steven Hiller, being prom queen is to Quinn Fabray.

34:19–That dialogue made absolutely no sense.

34:49–Finn is a moron. Finn might be consigned to the depths of moron-hell for the rest of eternity.

35:31–Then you’re going about teaching the wrong way…again. If you love children, be a parent. If you love teaching, be a teacher.

36:38–This scene sits somewhere between “creepy” and “wrong.”

37:28–Will Schuester and his pure heart. Would that all women had an infinite supply of birth control pills to defend against such purehearted men!

37:37–Last year, the season ended with Sue getting Will’s club another year and they were all like, “Hey, we respect each other,” and then this year, Sue was like, “Aw, shucks, I’m not going after the glee club anymore.” I have no idea what they plan to do with Sue now if they actually take that one seriously. And this announcement of the cessation of hostilities comes after a much more important event in Sue’s life than having her pride hurt by Rod Remington, Olivia Newton-John, and Josh Groban. I’m very confused.

38:00–Yeah, hope you enjoyed that, because you’re never going to hear about that again. Remember when she wanted that local Emmy?

38:26–American Airlines, the only American airline that has scheduled flights to St. Vincent and the Grenadines. Thanks, Wikipedia.

38:57–That’s not a catch, that’s a totally unrelated piece of information.

39:55–They can’t possibly be ending Jessalyn Gilsig’s involvement with the show that quietly. After all of the crazy stuff that went down because of her, they’re going to finish her tenure like that? She’ll be back. Why, I don’t know, but she will. Speaking of people who have been odd romantic matches for Will, is Beiste dead?

40:00–…oh. That’s not completely awkward.

40:08–Concerning Ryan Murphy and the word “deserve,” here’s a classic tidbit.

Seriously, I just wish I had a little Mandy Patinkin in my pocket who could pop out and say that for me sometimes.

40:34–There are so many things happening and I’m not sure what to make of them because I have no idea if Glee actually intends to uphold any of this. I don’t think I’m ready for another Will/Emma relationship, though. The past incarnations have been stupid.

41:46–So much groundwork being laid…

42:55–And immediately, as soon as they don’t have to compete, look how nice they are! Wow, it’s like they flipped a little switch! That’s adorable.

42:56–Jesse’s a much better show choir consultant than I thought he’d be. Remember that thing I said a while back, that slaving your ideas to the expert’s is what has kept baseball IQ so low for so long? It’s all about building your ideas off of the right experts. And Jesse, though caricatured, is the right expert. Not that it matters in the scheme of the show, but it’s a nice life lesson.

43:19–Smiling scary Quinn.

43:21–This episode, looking back at it, was so full of promises for future episodes that it didn’t really have a lot to supplement itself with. A lot of stuff coming up, not a lot of material in this episode. It makes me vaguely excited for the future, because in a lot of ways, Funeral has suggested some clean sheets, and Glee needs those. Not a really good episode, but potentially important.

“I am just going outside. I may be some time.”

Apologies to not publishing “live” reviews of the past two episodes, Born this Way and Rumours. My very brief thoughts on both follow.

Born This Way: A Brad Falchuk episode that made me lose some faith in Brad Falchuk. Returns like the one they gave Kurt usually are saved for astronauts returning from the Moon, not characters who have been featured throughout the entire season. Santana’s becoming a more interesting character, which I can get behind. Saying that the only reason Quinn is stupidly ambitious concerning her popularity is because she used to be unattractive and unpopular is the laziest kind of character development possible, and I can’t say that with enough bile. I guess that’s what you get when you’re ignorant enough to think that “Born This Way” is an anthem of complete tolerance.

Rumours: A Ryan Murphy episode, so maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that it was a themed episode. But I think we’ve finally found a way to structure theme episodes: by album. Trying to take on an artist’s entire oeuvre (The Power of Madonna, Britney/Brittany) or saying that all the song have to have a specific word in them (Hell-O, Home) generates some stupidity. But when all of the songs are performance based and come from a very set location, like a single album, then it can work. And it worked for Rumours. Poverty was handled relatively well, with little condescension (though Glee remains a firmly classist show: look at Kurt’s dialogue in any given episode or the lyrics to “Loser Like Me”). Ryan Murphy has done more to feature Chord Overstreet, between Comeback and Rumours, than any other writer. And to me, the biggest story of the second half of the season has been Murphy’s renaissance. He started off the season with two of Glee’s worst episodes, Britney/Brittany and The Rocky Horror Glee Show, but in the second half, he did one of Glee’s best episodes ever, Silly Love Songs, and Rumours, which definitely ranks as one of the best episodes of the second season.

All right, with that out of the way, Prom Queen.

0:00–This episode was written by that so-and-so, Ian Brennan.

0:35–The Jacob ben Israel reporting is a Brennan hallmark. Fellow addictive Glee watchers will remember that it showed up for the first time in Audition, another Brennan episode, where he reported on “Glee’s big gay summer.” I like Jacob’s character. He’s spread thin sometimes (as a heckler in A Night of Neglect, for example, I didn’t care for him: in Showmance and Preggers, where he’s a creepy Rachel Berry-obsessed blogger, he’s fantastic), but on the whole, he’s useful, which is more than you can say for some other characters.

1:21–Yeah, Puck’s not been the same since he originally lost his mohawk. I dunno. I don’t really mind. If you’re going to take a severe anti-bullying stance the way they did from Never Been Kissed on, you can’t really make one of your go-to characters a bully and expect us to like him. Glee desperately wants you to like pretty much every character on the show for one reason or another, and they had to think of a reason for us to like Puck without noting the bully contradiction…so they neutered him.

1:31–Anyone else been horny with grief recently?

1:43–I go to school about 700 miles away from home, so I don’t often get to watch Glee with my family. But I did get to watch with my father and my two brothers (Michael recently posted here about twelve covers he likes better than the original, go check that out). At the mention of Air Supply, we had a two minute debate about whether or not Air Supply was behind “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” or “Making Love Out of Nothing At All.” Turns out it’s the latter. The former is by Cutting Crew.

You’re welcome.

2:30–Somewhere, Iqbal Theba and Sofia Vergara are comparing notes.

2:48–”Run Joey Run” is a bad song, but I confess that I’ve never quite understood Glee’s obsession with how bad it is.

2:55–I took careful notes on this little segment. I’m planning a list of my favorite songs from Glee, and “Hair/Crazy in Love” will probably not be in contention because it was supposed to be bad. Spoiler alert, my least favorite is “The Boy Is Mine.” It was just godawful.

3:04–As we remember, Will put “BUTT CHIN” on his Born This Way shirt. Putting “BUTT CHIN” on your Born This Way shirt and saying that’s the number one thing you don’t like about yourself is like putting “GINGER” on your Born This Way shirt. If I were in charge of his shirt, I probably would have given him Puck’s.

Yep! That's the one!

 3:13–Sam walks by. Lauren says that she might need to make her own prom dress. The response from Brittany: “Don’t, you’ll seem poor.” Yeah, last week’s episode taught us a whole heap.

3:35–Sam reflected a popular sentiment just now…

3:40–That might be first joke I’ve ever seen on Glee that took close to a minute of gestation time. As we know from my impeccable time keeping skills (I more or less make up about half of these times, actually, keep that under your hat), they couldn’t quite wait a minute. But it was good. Well done Glee.

4:01–Mercedes has apparently forgotten that handy lesson she learned in A Night of Neglect that not being a diva every moment of the day has some perks. Both episodes, brought to you from the fecund mind of Ian Brennan.

Ha, I kill me.

 4:13–”All your dates are belong to us.”

4:50–The last black Cinderella was Brandi. Trust me, Mercedes, no matter how bad it gets, you don’t want to be her. I’ve never seen anyone before or since who sang only using her nose.

5:07–Well, in Ian Brennan’s world, yes. In our world, prom is about one-upping one’s peers through important lenses such as “makeup,” “coiffures,” and “clothes.”

5:22–Is his surname not Anderson anymore?

6:33–

Of all the Breadstix in all the towns in all of Western Ohio, he's crazy about that asshole.

6:59–That little chuckle of Sam’s was absolutely the funniest part of the episode.

7:32–I’m not really sure when this happened, but Sam turned into a genuinely decent human being. He’s a long way removed from trying to seduce Quinn into becoming the most popular guy in school.

7:48–Heather Morris looks like Tinker Bell, except not a straight up slut. Seriously, on the list of things that Daddy doesn’t want his little girl to turn into, Tink is between “Vivica A. Fox in Independence Day” and “common prostitute.”

Unless, of course, "Daddy" is what you call Walt Disney.

 8:41–”We’re all so surprised that you’re going with Blaine, because the two of you are going out and because both of you are out of the closet and proud of it!”

9:01–Second Altamont reference in Glee’s history. Maybe they’d feel more original to me if I just watched these episodes once or twice like everybody else.

9:37–”Lovable but dangerous miscreant” provoked a good reaction from the family. That was my older brother’s favorite part of the episode. My dad’s reaction: “Does he know those words?”

10:20–The Puck/Artie relationship is definitely one of the odder ones that we see on Glee, but I like it a lot. There’s a fun contrast between the two of them, and Mark Salling and Kevin McHale seem to enjoy playing it up.

10:26–A few months back, my older brother sent me a video of Adele singing “Rolling in the Deep” and bet me that Mercedes would sing it before the end of the season. Turns out it wasn’t her, but props.

12:45–I admit, I’ve never really been a big Jesse fan. His presence always indicated something stupid was going on plotwise. Either he was helping Rachel figure out that Shelby was her mother (which to this day I maintain was the dumbest thing going on in the first season) or he was in some weird menage a troi concerning Rachel. I loved having him around for his vocals (“Hello” was fantastic), but they’ve never been able to fold him in adequately.

13:51–Like that scene. Killer song, no conception of how to make the character fit in.

14:16–Right, he broke up with you when you cheated on him for the sole purpose of trying to make him jealous. Are we all supposed to forget about that?

14:17–Well, Finn appears to have forgotten that little detail.

14:29–This “Finchel” thing has been screwed up immensely. Let’s have a brief refresher, because Glee is a wildly ahistorical show and I fear we may have forgotten some details. In the first season, Finn and Rachel had an under-the-table attraction while Finn and Quinn were dating. Finn was attracted to Rachel because of her talent and her compassion, and Rachel admired Finn’s straightforward quest to become a better human being. When Finn learned that Quinn was pregnant by Puck and not him, he dumped her and found Rachel eagerly waiting for him. However, she was rather too eager (read: clingy) and he broke up with her almost immediately. Rachel quickly fell into Jesse’s arms, but their relationship was tempestuous and short-lived due to mutual failings. Finn and Rachel get back together prior to losing at Regionals, and they move along with relatively few hitches until Rachel finds out that Finn and Santana had mated while Rachel and Jesse were together. Rachel immediately cheats on Finn with Puck, Finn reacts in an understandably unhappy fashion and dumps Rachel. Rachel spends the rest of the second season trying to get Finn away from Quinn, who had previously been perfectly happy with Sam.

This is a stupidly convoluted trail, and that’s because the writers at Glee like to play with the different sexual relationships of their characters the way that mad scientists play with explosive chemicals and Tesla coils. Attempts to get Finn and Rachel back together have been  stale for a while now, and that’s saying something. It always comes back to The Office when we talk about drawn-out relationships. Here’s a brief refresher of Jim and Pam until they get hitched.

Jim likes Pam, but Pam is engaged to warehouse worker Roy. Jim spends most of the first and second seasons crazy about Pam. Pam seems to like Jim a lot, but she’s scared of change and can’t reject Roy outright until she admits to him that she and Jim kissed once. Roy flips the hell out, and Jim and Pam seem golden. But then Jim gets caught up with a new office worker, Karen, but they fight a lot and Jim understands that it’s because he still likes Pam. The two of them get together (quietly) and stay together without too much drama before getting married.

See how simple that was? Jim has an unrequited thing for Pam for two season, Pam has one for Jim for one, they’re together and stay together after that. The many people who have written for The Office seem to understand that when you have a special toy, you don’t want to love it so much that you break it. Glee’s writers have no such restraint or conception of patience.

16:00–One of my favorite moments from middle school involved the naming of pronouns. One kid, for God only knows what reason, suggested “egg.” We made fun of him until we graduated from high school. That’s what this reminds me of.

16:24–I miss that Kurt.

16:50–It was about a baby, Mercedes, but as Roland Barthes tells us, the Author is dead!

16:57–Learn how to play guitar, guys. You never know when you’ll have to back up a brother for his prom proposal.

17:10–Every person in that classroom who is nameless is an attractive young woman. Yay for future hausfraus!

17:28–Chord Overstreet was just on fire this entire episode.

18:16–Is it sad that Brittany is the most liberated woman on this show? That’s an honest question, I haven’t decided yet.

18:31–And that’s Ian Brennan for you. A fun sequence that had something for everybody: Brittany being incapable of figuring out eggs, Kurt being a blissful gay stereotype, a good song. And then it’s ruined with this overwrought emotional bullshit. What purpose does that serve?

19:20–The evolution of Finn as truly accepting is complete. At least until the writers decide “whatever, this is boring, let’s make him out-of-character intolerant again.”

19:42–No one’s worn tails and a top hat since Marlene Dietrich did it in Josef von Sternberg’s 1930 film, Morocco.

20:33–As usual, Burt Hummel is the sole voice of practicality on this show. Of course Kurt should be allowed to wear anything he wants to prom, whether it’s his gay Braveheart outfit or one of Sue’s track suits. But when you leave your school for a couple months because a kid wants to kill you for your homosexuality, doesn’t it seem practical to wear a tux? I mean, for your own personal safety, doesn’t that make some kind of sense?

21:19–”I could’ve just hated you when you were bullying me, but I’m the second coming of Jesus, and I’m better than all of you.”

22:46–

23:35–Sam’s such a dork. I love it.

No five dollar milkshakes at Breadstix, apparently.

 24:22–Well, judging from the preview, we know there’s at least one…

24:45–That’s who I’ve been meaning to compare her to all this time.

26:10–Why they decided to do the majority of this song is beyond me. It was catchy for the first twenty seconds, but there was no earthly reason to make that last two and a half minutes…

27:29–I like you guys, and I’m going to admit this because we’re all friends here. Ever since I switched over to iTunes in early March, “Jar of Hearts” is my fourteenth most played song. Feels good to get that off my chest.

28:51–When you make it that sledgehammer clear that Rachel’s singing this song to Finn, it’s fair for us to go back in time and remember what their first kiss was. Oh, that’s right, it started with Rachel saying, “You can kiss me if you want to.”

29:20–”Prom! Where all your wildest dreams come true!”

29:45–I love that shot.

30:06–Puck knows all sorts of things in this episode.

33:07–That was a very special fight. Really, how many times do you have to shove the other guy before you can work yourself up for a punch?

33:50–…Shane Oman!

34:32–No self-respecting principal lets that one happen…but Glee occurs in an alternate universe, so we’ll let that one slide.

35:17–Nice of you to include Blaine in your ignorance, Kurt.

35:26–Well, that’s not an allusion…

35:54–I tried to find a better quality version of this clip, and since I’m not going to type this whole thing out, y’all are stuck with this. Just know that the gay fellow who got voted prom king at my own junior prom gave this speech verbatim.

36:53–Kurt, that would be a much more stirring sentiment if you hadn’t already made it very clear in front of everyone that they could, indeed, touch you.

37:32–Rachel, when you start by defining Quinn via her appearance, you prove her point. She’s got plenty to be terrified of.

38:23–Brittany is not also the most liberated woman on this show, she’s also the best person on this show. Go figure.

40:14–I like that they brought Brad to prom, too. He’s become almost omnipresent as the Old Testament God.

42:39–Oof. It was a decent episode overall. Ian Brennan has as much subtlety as the Exxon Valdez and his dialogue is similarly messy, but the episode itself was okay.

“Daddy flight, save your auxiliary tanks.”

My name’s Michael Baumann, and I’m Tim’s older brother. I write about baseball over at Phillies Nation, and to be totally honest, that would probably be a better subject for me to write about than music, but here I am. 

What follows is a list of 12 songs that I like, where the original is not the best version, at least in my own mind. Since we’re civilized people, it’s necessary to lay down some ground rules:

1) The covering band has to make original music. So no Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, and more importantly, no Glee covers. I love Glee, but you already get enough of it here, and using them seems sort of cheap anyway. And yes, I’m aware they just did two original songs.

2) No Beatles covers. There are people in this world who apparently think we haven’t heard enough of the Beatles and cover their music. I, for one, have had my fill of the greatest and, by extension, most overplayed band in the history of rock and roll. This is not Across the Universe.

3) No band gets mentioned more than once. This is mostly for the purpose of not littering the post with Mark Ronson, Foo Fighters, and Killers covers, or Dolly Parton (yes, Dolly Parton) originals. Variety is a good thing.

4) I’d have to want to listen to the original. This eliminates Muse’s cover of “Feeling Good,” which New Musical Express voted the greatest cover of all time, (http://www.nme.com/news/muse/53090) because it’s from an obscure 1960s musical and has turned into some sort of inside joke for crooners. Likewise, “I Just Don’t Know What to Do with Myself” by the White Stripes does not make the cut.

5) No matter how much I like the cover, I have to like it more than the original. Sorry, Hendrix’s “All Along the Watchtower.” Still like Dylan’s better.

There are, in my estimation, at least three ways to approach a cover: a dedicated remake of the original; an update that reflects a change in time, instrumentation, or the attitude of the artist; and blowing the bitch up and starting with only the lyrics and lead vocal melody. To say that these categories are cut and dried or mutually exclusive would be misleading, and while the second category is most prevalent, all three approaches are represented in this list.

Okay, on to the songs, in no particular order.

“The Man Who Sold the World”

Original: David Bowie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7n0pf7anLa4

Cover: Nirvana http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fregObNcHC8&feature=related

This one comes from Nirvana’s MTV Unplugged album, a must-have for any child of the 90s. Seattle’s finest took a middling Bowie song and, without changing much, asserted ownership of it as an anthem of depressed suburban youths born about 10 years before I was. So why do I really like it better than the original? I’ll admit that choosing this particular tune, part of the Canon of Great Cover Songs, takes little to no creativity on my part, but that performance, if not this song in particular, proved to the mainstream population what Nirvana fans had long known: that deep down, underneath the feedback, mumbling, and overdrive, Nirvana actually had some serious musical chops.

“The Man Who Sold the World” is one of only a handful of popular songs where the definitive version is not the original, and that the TV show and album release bracketed Cobain’s death cemented its place in Nirvana’s legacy.

“Romeo and Juliet”

Original: Dire Straits http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxfjSnMN88U&feature=related

Cover: The Killers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87cLyBR1JTo

Not much to say about this one; the Killers’ cover of this classic and heartbreaking Dire Straits ditty is about as faithful to the original as a cover can get. It might come down to the fact that Brandon Flowers’ voice suits the song more than Mark Knopfler’s, or that the Killers take down the energy in the song by about five percent compared to Dire Straits. Not really sure.

What I will say is that if you haven’t seen the music video for Dire Straits’ version of this song, click the link. It’s well worth five minutes of your time, because, well, I’ll just come out and say it: it may be the worst music video in the history of mankind. I’m trying to come up with a worse one, even accounting for the worldwide temporary lapse in taste that became a hallmark of 1980s pop culture. I can’t. It starts with a man, who might be Knopfler, but I’m not sure, doing a bad impression of David Byrne, and devolves into a literal, word-by-word retelling of the story in the ballad. Mere words fail to do justice to the comically horrific nature of that video.

“Radio Ga Ga”

Original: Queen http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBUr1pSWTVI

Cover: Electric Six http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TrUhcDXT0J0

I never thought that a band could out-Queen Queen itself, but after hearing Dick Valentine and his band of Motor City weirdos cover this classic tune, the original just seems half-assed. For an 80s post-disco pop-rock song, “Radio Ga Ga” seems very sedate and laid-back, almost as if Freddie Mercury and Brian May were taking a break from the operatic epics of “Bohemian Rhapsody” and “Somebody to Love” before returning to form with “I Want it All” and “Who Wants to Live Forever.”

Electric Six, best known for “Danger! High Voltage” and “Gay Bar,” corrected Queen’s mistake, upping the tempo, volume, and sound density for their cover. The result is a more guitar-driven, danceable tune that begs to be played with the car windows down. For a band with such a high concentration of penis metaphors in its music, Electric Six has as good a handle on what makes a song catchy as any rock band working today, and the application of a little of that magic eliminates the mailed-in feeling of the original.

One note about the music video for the cover: yes, that is lead singer Dick Valentine dancing on Freddie Mercury’s grave. I have no explanation.

“Islands in the Stream”

Original: Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQW7I62TNOw

Cover: Feist and Constantines http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfORU_DKp0w

Yes, I really like this Dolly Parton song, even though most people my age only know it because the chorus was sampled and rewritten for the smash hip-hop hit “Ghetto Superstar.” Of course, this is Tim’s blog, and most people his age probably have never heard of that song. Which sucks, because, frankly, with a few rare exceptions, rap really died with the turn of the century. I came of musical age in the golden era of pop rap, the late 1990s, and even I am too young to remember the dance-happy cleverness of The Pharcyde and Black Sheep, or the socially conscious rage of the West Coast rappers. I guess my point is, listen to some rap from the late 80s and early-to-mid 90s.

This song is just a happy, sappy countrified duet. My mother likes this song, which is fine, because it’s catchy and upbeat. I find myself whistling it on sunny days.

Now for the cover, which is a truly tremendous slowed-down tearjerker, a true triumph of minimalist post-punk. I’ve never been a huge fan of Feist’s, but as you can see in this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmEHauRTzJI) she has a big ol’ mess of friends in the indie-rock community, including, over to the right of the front row of the choir, Aaron Dessner, rhythm guitarist for The National, and one of the top 5 guys in modern rock I’d like to hang out with. Dessner’s band specializes in depressing, patently adult rock music that will either leave you in aesthetic arrest, bore you to death, or make you cry, depending on what mindset you have going into it. This cover is such a song as that, slowing down the tempo, modernizing the instrumentation, and completely removing the last vestiges of Dolly Parton from the sound, while still maintaining the intimate harmonies between the two lead vocal parts. When played in this manner, the lyrics, rather than upbeat and playful, sound desperate and resigned, the kind of song two lovers would sing while facing certain death in the final act of a historical epic.

I need to go get some tissues. Be right back.

“Band on the Run”

Original: Wings http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBX2dySWGew

Cover: Foo Fighters http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSIUrba-aoc

Not quite a violation of the No Beatles Cover rule, so I’ll allow it.

Anyway, remember what I said about Electric Six’s cover of “Radio Ga Ga”? Most of it applies to this song. Paul McCartney, to me at least, has always been a happy and soft kind of songwriter, an all-time great, but unwilling or unable to get really dirty, except during that four-year span at the end of his time with The Beatles where everyone was too stoned to see straight. McCartney’s popular tunes tend to be very clever and very polite. Very British.

Anyway, Dave Grohl and Foo Fighters have no such compunctions. The opening verse is fairly faithful to the original, then where Wings take the pre-chorus as a clever minor twist to get into the chorus. Then some horns and a nice, steady acoustic strum. Your granddad would put the top down on his Karmann Ghia and tool around town to this sound. It’s pleasant.

Foo Fighters, being younger and American, roll into the prechorus, shift into another gear, and floor it. The song gets faster and gradually louder (Wings stifle any inkling of a crescendo in the original, which is a real shame). The pre-chorus (around 1:20 in the video) wakes you up, and by the time the chorus comes in with a guitar slide, you’re screaming along and doing 30 miles an hour over the posted speed limit. The cover really allows “Band on the Run” to reach its full, rambling, loud, scratchy, almost Springsteenian potential.

We may not tell our kids and grandkids about being alive for Dave Grohl’s heyday the way one might about McCartney’s, but Foo Fighters’ specialty is fast, simple, loud, and high-pitched, which is just what was required to take “Band on the Run” to the next level.

“Just”

Original: Radiohead http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_qMagfZtv8

Cover: Mark Ronson ft. Phantom Planet http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2DlKf8_8Ck

Along with “Radio Ga Ga,” one of two music videos that openly mocks the original.

I don’t think I’m a huge Radiohead fan, even though I own most of their music and listen to them quite a bit. This is mostly because Radiohead fans, like, really big ones, like the band a little too much. I don’t care to spend hours debating you on why I think “The Bends” is better than “OK Computer.”

Anyhoo, “Just.” Crescendos, running ascending octaves on electric guitar, Thom Yorke vamping on vocals while the world seems to collapse around him, this song ought to be on anyone’s list of best Radiohead songs ever. Oh, and the bridge does the drop-the-beat-and-scramble-the-recording trick, which I love. If you haven’t ever heard the song, give it a listen.

Now imagine all of that cool guitar stuff in the breaks replaced with a horn section, and the post-punk vibe replaced by a funk-rock backing. Mark Ronson is an Anglo-American Grammy-winning producer whose sister once dated Lindsay Lohan. But if you’re wondering why Amy Winehouse ever became a thing, blame Ronson and his baritone sax. Ronson, who is something of an eclectic, will go through phases where he releases music under his own name with other vocalists, in whatever given style strikes his fancy at the moment. Right now, it’s techno dance-pop, but three or four years ago, right when he was lifting Winehouse to stratospheric popularity, it was the very kind of horn-driven funk rock on display in this cover of “Just.”

And just as “Just” belongs on the list of Radiohead’s best, it belongs on the list of best Mark Ronson songs.

“Hallelujah”

Original: Leonard Cohen http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccGz-li_rgM

Cover: Rufus Wainwright http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kB67HO8tkQs

Lyrically, as interesting a song as one might hope to find, and one of the more predictable additions to this list. The original fails to live up to the cover for one simple reason: Leonard Cohen can’t sing. The video above reminds me of nothing so much as “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.”

Rufus Wainwright contributes his heartbroken, moaning baritone to a heartbroken moaning song in a perfect match of song and singer. Not a whole lot else to say. Listen to both.

And yes, I prefer Rufus’s version to Jeff Buckley’s. So sue me.

“Landslide”

Original: Fleetwood Mac http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WM7-PYtXtJM

Cover: Smashing Pumpkins http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4U4opbXoMss

Another extremely famous cover, albeit one whose inclusion here is probably more controversial than “The Man Who Sold the World.” I guess it all depends on how one feels about Stevie Nicks. For some reason, her throaty alto sounds a little too hillbilly flower child for my taste, but of course Corgan’s voice is not what one might call classically beautiful either.

What does it for me is that Corgan goes for the falsetto notes, and his version just sounds more involved, to say nothing of the fact that it recalls “Tonight, Tonight” in vocal style, and for a child of mid-90s alt rock such as myself, that just strikes a special chord.

With that said, I’m not totally convinced that the Dixie Chicks’ cover, with the banjo, slide guitar, and three-part harmony, isn’t actually better than either of these, but let’s just keep that between us.

“Doctor My Eyes”

Original: Jackson Browne http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8ZJB0JW6Vk

Cover: The Jackson 5 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2zWXpdZo8g

There is absolutely nothing wrong with Jackson Browne’s original. It’s upbeat, lyrically and musically interesting, and has good vocal harmonies in the chorus. It’s a classic example of a tune that’s easy to listen to, sing along to, and get others into. It’s not too fast, too loud, or too complex in content or musical quality.

However, one of the best parts about it is the chord you get on “eyes” in the chorus between the various vocal parts, and this song was covered by a group that was put on Earth to do harmony: The Jackson 5. And while there’s not a whole lot of difference in the instrumentation between the original and the cover, the Jackson brothers hit notes, swing harmonies, and inject feeling into the music that, through no fault of his own, Browne just cannot match. Let’s face it, there are very few people on Earth who can match the young Michael Jackson note-for-note.

“Radioactive”

Original: Kings of Leon http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPBbMbKSZrQ

Cover: Cee Lo Green http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0DGvVuSd88

I catch a lot of flak for saying that I like this song. I certainly suffer from Kings of Leon oversaturation as much as the next guy, but the “wha-whooom-boom-da-boom-da-boom-boom” of the bass is really freaking cool.

As far as Cee Lo’s version is concerned, ordinarily I’d cite his unique voice as a strength, but Caleb Followill’s voice is probably better-suited to the song, if I’m honest. In this case, the ultra-fast rhythm guitar part over the intro is played on piano, which seems like it fits very well, not quite as show-off-y as it is on electric guitar. Cee Lo also gets points, or, I guess his band does, for pulling off a fairly intricate song written by another band in one take and entirely acoustic. Also, you can’t see it in this video, but Cee Lo’s band is composed entirely of at least moderately attractive women in leopard-print unitards, so bonus points there.

Mostly, this song is on the list because I’m not sure if you can add a rapped verse to a song and still call it a cover, so I got gunshy about including Madcon’s version of “Beggin’ “ by The Four Seasons, which is a better song than either version of “Radioactive.”

“Kiss on My List”

Original: Hall and Oates http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6u9FrXBWu_I

Cover: The Bird and The Bee http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mv3AqdtfJzI&feature=fvst

I go to grad school at Temple University in Philadelphia, which is only relevant to this song because Daryl Hall and John Oates are both Temple alums, so go Owls! It certainly beats my undergraduate institution, the University of South Carolina, where the most famous alum of any kind is most likely Darius Rucker of Hootie and the Blowfish. I’m not sure how much y’all care about that, so we’ll move on.

This is the song that inspired this list. I like Hall and Oates, a lot, and while this song is nowhere near as good as “You Make My Dreams” (though, honestly, what song is?), I’ve been singing along to “Kiss My List” since I was four years old. Great harmonies, upbeat, innocent, catchy, easy to sing along to—it’s a great song for many of the same reasons as “Islands in the Stream” and “Doctor My Eyes.”

Then along came The Bird and The Bee, another pop-rock duo, but this one is a 21^st-Century synth-pop duo, not a 20^th-Century soft rock duo, and the difference is huge. The Bird and The Bee is Greg Kurstin, (“Geggy” of 1990s one-hit wonder Geggy Tah) and vocalist Inara George. They achieved some fame in the last decade for their single “F*cking Boyfriend,” but the real genius was in their 2010 album Interpreting the Masters Volume 1:  A Tribute to Daryl Hall and John Oates, a 10-track LP composed entirely of Hall and Oates covers.

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the genius of that idea. I mean, every band since the beginning of time had influences, or at least a band that made a bunch of songs they always wanted to cover, so why not take an album to cover a favored group’s catalog, not only paying tribute to the original, but exposing a new generation of fans to that group’s music. What an idea.

So what makes this cover so much better? I mean, the cover takes the electric keyboards of Hall and Oates and raises all in with a tremendous amount of sustained synthesizer, which eliminates the continuous eighth-note hits of the original and allows the beat to swing a little bit where the original sounds kind of choppy.

But the major difference is the difference between John Oates’ mustache and Inara George’s breathy, seductive alto. If you’ll indulge me, I’ll try to explain what I mean.

Ever since this blog’s inception, Tim’s been raving about the galactic beauty of Glee’s Dianna Agron, and after not realizing what all the fuss was about for a season and a half, it finally clicked: it’s her voice. A female friend of mine (I can’t remember who or else I’d give her credit—if it was you and you’re reading, please step forward and claim it) referred to her airy, soft, seductive alto as a “fuck-me voice,” which, let’s be honest, is exactly what it makes me want to do.

Now consider the high note going from the bridge to the last chorus of this song. In the original, it’s Daryl Hall singing it. Daryl Hall is a man from the 1980s, who wears pastel colors and consorts with a white man with a jheri curl and a mustache the likes of which had never before been seen in Western civilization. So when that man hits the high note and goes into singing about how my kiss is on his list, it’s cool, and groovy, and I enjoy it.

But in the cover, Inara George is singing it in a Dianna Agron “fuck-me voice,” the kind of laid-back, hip-swaying, eyelash-batting alto that has worked its way into popular music over the past few years, much to my delight. When she hits the high note and goes into a line about how my kiss is on her list of the best things in life, I go weak at the knees and start to blush. It’s a visceral, powerful reaction that gets you somewhere south of the stomach, an updating of Hall and Oates’ cheesy romanticism into a truly sensual full-body experience.

Or maybe that’s just me and I’ve shared too much. The point is, I really like that song.

“Hurt”

Original: Nine Inch Nails http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prDoGmY5kj8&feature=related

Cover: Johnny Cash http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmVAWKfJ4Go&feature=fvwrel

We end with Johnny Cash’s last single before his death, a cover of “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails. The original is slow, fuming, and a little creepy. This is quite possibly the only original version on the list that uses dynamics to great effect: the whole song is a building crescendo, starting out soft and slow with different instruments coming in throughout the song. I’ll say this about Trent Reznor: anyone who was surprised that he won his Oscar for The Social Network needed to listen to his earlier music, because the man knows his way around dynamics and orchestration.

But the original was relegated to the back pages of the musical history books by Cash’s heartbreaking 2003 cover. The cover is faster, acoustic, and even more sparsely arranged than the creepily-static Nine Inch Nails version, with only a piano and acoustic guitar for the majority of the song. However, despite never reaching the dynamic heights of the original, Cash’s cover still manages to build heartbreaking crescendo after heartbreaking crescendo.

What makes Cash’s cover so powerful is that it serves as a retrospective on his life. In the music video, Cash looks like he’s dying before our very eyes, and through age or power of emotion, his hands and lips quiver throughout. The lyrics, which are hollow at best, petulant at worst, when sung by a young man who set himself up as a symbol of rebellion and counterculture, take on a new meaning when viewed through the eyes of an old man at the end of a long and complicated life.

“I’ve had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that is a record.”

Episodes like these make me wish that Glee were a heavily autotuned cover band that just put out some covers every few months instead of a weekly television program. 

0:01–It’s actually the seventh episode he’s credited for this season. Ryan Murphy has six. Brad Falchuk, who is consistently the best of them, has four.

0:28–5,000 x .25 is actually 1,250. I mean, I understand what they mean by that equation, but that’s not how you’re supposed to write it.

0:58–The last time Will suggested that the glee club raise money by selling food, Puck laced the cupcakes with weed. And now they plan on pushing saltwater taffy “like crack.” What this says about the Girl Scouts is up to your interpretation.

1:17–Is the first time Santana has been slushied? Do we have to make sure that everyone gets it at some point?

1:24–”Nobody cares about us, and no one has for thirty-nine episodes now.” Are you sure we can’t get Matt Foley in for a motivational speech?

I will keep asking You.

1:30–I thought Mike Chang was going to say something about how feeling put-down on is something they should have dealt with a long time ago, and that it’s stupid to continue belaboring it when they’re this close to winning Nationals. And then I was reminded why I’m a pessimist.

2:02–That is why they put them on the Academic Decathlon team, incidentally. It might be said that they’re on the Academic Decathlon team because common perception of the show suggests that they’ve been marginalized, but then again, those saying it are wrong. Keep that in mind for about twenty minutes.

2:29–The other categories, besides “Cat Diseases” and “Deadly Cyclones,” were “Defunct Sodas,” “Famous Mervs,” “Fat or Pregnant,” ”History of Shoehorns,” “Organic Chemistry,” “Potpourri,” and “White Rappers.”

2:36–Anyone else think that Brittany knowing a lot about outbreaks of certain cat diseases really isn’t that funny? And neither was her happy exclamation of how she loves saltwater. Pretty sure they burned her out.

3:09–”Why don’t you just have your parents pay for it?” asks the most bourgeois member of the club. Tina responds, in her own  bourgeois manner, “Because then we wouldn’t have a stupid plot device to do this ‘Night of Neglect’ concert.”

3:28–No, Will, not more math!

4:25–I don’t understand. Every time the writers give Sue some grandiose plot to work out, it makes for a stupid episode. So naturally, they quite literally elevate her to comic book levels of grandiosity and hope it sounds funny or something.

4:54–Looked it up on YouTube. Found this. Don’t watch it at work, mostly because the economy is tanking and it doesn’t need your help to make it tank further.

5:40–The last time I was around that many people giving each other silly names, there was a drinking game involved. These people were ostensibly sober.

6:35–Yes, Holly Holiday, tell him about his dreams while you stroke him.

7:14–Yeah, that was my reaction.

7:22–Wow, that wasn’t the easiest possible joke to have made in this situation.

7:23–Tina looks like Anne Hutchinson.

7:30–Oh, sweet Jesus, I missed the word “annual” the first time. They can’t possibly be telling us that they want to keep doing “Nights of Neglect.”

7:56–Second time that Sandy has used the “I’m ready for my close-up” line. A Night of Neglect had an awful lot of reused material.

8:01–”Sandy, how do you manage to enter a building without setting off all the fire alarms?” was probably the best part of the episode. Says a lot about it.

8:17–I guess that “can’t be within fifty feet of children” thing expires after a season, huh.

9:05–That’s because she wears stupid hats.

This hat was so bad that it became a meme.

 9:32–Gaaah the short jokes are lazy.

 10:05–Charice is probably the best pure singer on this show, but her “All by Myself” was disappointing. When you do the Celine Dion cover of this song, the point of singing it is to show off how good your voice is. And I got that part. Charice has done two solo pieces on this show, and they were both essentially power ballads. That’s one of the conundrums they have with Lea Michele, I think. At this point, we know just how good she is, but hearing her power through the same soulful pop songs and showtunes anthems is already old. We’re already well on track with Charice…I mean, even the staging is identical.

10:12–Did I just see Heather Morris turn her head to the side with the same expression of concern on her face twice in the past thirty seconds?

10:28–The first time they used Eric Carmen’s “All by Myself,” Emma was sitting alone in her car crying as the rain fell around her, her mascara running as she sort of mumbled along to it. As has already become a major theme, they’re using it again, this time to sell .mp4s. Murphy was 31, Falchuk 25, and Brennan 18 when Celine Dion’s cover of this song came out (and Charice’s is clearly based on Celine’s); in the tradition of Jon Kyl, this is not intended to be a factual statement, but I’m pretty sure that one of those three got broken up with and immediately started binge-listening to this song.

13:37–This subplot was just woefully dumb. To me, there’s a definite difference between being a pushover who doesn’t have any self-value and someone who doesn’t want to actively butt heads with the person who has the biggest ego around. Mercedes is probably the most marginalized character on this show. She’s notable for being a stereotypical diva-ish black woman, being overweight, and having a good voice. Her character has never been explored; if there’s one word I’d use to describe her, it’s “unrealistic.” She seemed to understand that Kurt was gay, but still wanted to date him just for the sake of it. She risks suspension over tatertots, and to be honest, this tatertots thing has defined her this season. Characters on Glee, like Mercedes, are often loud. And Mercedes has now joined that group that’s not just loud, but obnoxious.

13:38–I have a little bit over one thousand words in this post thus far. I stopped writing here on Wednesday afternoon because I was thoroughly depressed by all this. It’s Friday afternoon now and I just watched an excellent episode of Modern Family, so I’m ready to give this another go.

13:44–Therein lies the difference between Booker T. Washington and W.E.B. DuBois.

14:50–Every time Glee suddenly ends or ignores a plot device, I can’t help but think of T.S. Eliot’s “The Hollow Men,” where is written, “This is how the world ends/Not with a bang but a whimper”

15:09–That look you see on Will’s face really does say, “Good, I can still deflower her, but I have to somehow get rid of that chick I’m dating now so I can convince myself and others that I’m a good person.”

15:35–Take this how you will, but Glee chooses to privilege the most random things. Such as: OCD over depression or bipolar disorder, or homosexuality over bisexuality or transvestism. Take that how you will.

17:16–”It’s okay if the star is being a bitch! She just wants to be ‘appreciated and respected and has no idea how to do it! She just wants to be loved.”

17:59–It’s funny, some people actually think that’s what a history class looks like. That wasn’t me dumping on Glee for their Wallis Simpson joke-thingy, that was me having a bad recollection of my high school history classes.

18:49–Cheyenne Jackson was on 30 Rock for a little while back there. He was hilarious. He was fun to watch. And, as Ian Brennan reminds us, he was very good-looking. But he was also subtle. And the fact that Jackson has to be about as subtle as a brick wall to act this role is a shame. He’s so much better than this.

19:06–Will, the overprotective jealous boyfriend. How could we possibly make him more attractive?

20:04–Will: “This woman who had a heart-to-heart with me about her inability to commit to anything seems to be having a commitment issue. Where the hell did that come from?”

22:02–Max Adler, who, from all accounts is a sweet human being, was a good pick to be a relatively stupid hulking bully. And when I said he was “doing a great job” back in Furt, I was referring to how he managed to silently be a scary force haunting Kurt. But he’s out of his depth here.

24:12–It must be in Jenna Ushkowitz’s contract that she’s never going to finish a song well. In the first season, she cracks on the last note of “Tonight.” This season, she has been completely incapable of finishing a song she sang to Mike Chang, and now can’t manage to finish her performance due to heckling. If we’re supposed to believe that there’s more than one side to this character, and this episode was a way to shine a light on that new side, then what a failure.

 26:36–Another wonderful dance from Mike Chang, even more proof that Glee is most interested in keeping their characters in little bubbles.

27:28–If this is the worst episode of Glee ever made, then this may be the worst scene. However, watching Will and Sue sing to small cancerous children in Comeback probably still “wins” in terms of pure, unadulterated schmaltz.

27:59–What might be more obnoxious than anything else is the lesson that I learned here about technology. I agree, it takes more balls to say something nasty to someone’s face than it does to say it on the Internet. But trying to pathologize the Internet as the biggest reason why people are unkind to others is stupid. Kurt’s done it before too, in the first episode of this season, where he called out the cowards who sat on the ‘Net and championed those who “stand up and sing about” what they feel. It’s not new, not even for Glee, and it’s just an unintelligent premise all around.

28:58–Glee also wants to play analyst every time someone is unkind. If you read my post on Never Been Kissed, you’ll remember that I didn’t care much for the “Karofsky is gay and ashamed therefore he must take it out on gay people” thesis. Nor do I much care for this “bullies only pick on people because they feel bad about themselves” thesis. I understand that there’s a good amount of research that backs that up, but are we really supposed to believe that’s true in every case? And are we supposed to look upon that sort of immaturity with sentimental pity?

29:08–”Just think how you could lift up the world if you turned some of those barbs into roses.” Doesn’t having an Oscar mean you don’t have to do this kind of crap anymore? (There’d be a picture here of Al Pacino and Robert De Niro, but WordPress doesn’t want me making fun of them, apparently.)

29:24–And the reaction to Gwyneth Paltrow’s sermon was supposed to make me think that this wasn’t saccharine? Also, because Glee is about as nuanced as a sledgehammer (and hurts about as much when your head is involved), Azimio is now gay. Sigh.

29:35–Jacob ben Israel is fifteen? 

30:32–She’s a bigger star than you are, Mercedes, because Lea Michele is a bigger name than Amber Riley. She gets the moments in the sun because Glee knows they can sell the slim white chick more easily than they can the fat black one. I wish I had better reasons why, but unfortunately, I have to use that logic is because short of blaming crass casualty, Glee has not given me any other way to reason through it on the basis of the action in the TV show.

30:57–It’s very bourgeois to suggest that the reason Rachel gets to be the star is because she wants it more.

32:38–The difference between Gwyneth Paltrow’s voice and Adele’s is, to borrow from Mark Twain, the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning. Not that I really hold with judging covers sheerly on the basis of how good it is compared to the original, but this just really sticks out to me.

34:52–Think OJ ever said that to his wife? …too soon? Too soon.

35:47–Really? Not only was the glee club going to run out on the everpresent and underappreciated band and the orchestra backing up Holly Holiday on “Turning Tables,” but Mercedes was planning on running out on this gospel choir backing her up on “Ain’t No Way” too? Douchebags.

38:38–Great performance of an iconic standard. I just can’t believe we had to go through all that crap to get to it.

40:10–Oh Will. Your favorite date would be the one that ostensibly involves sex.

40:30–One of the things I don’t think I’ll ever understand is how every relationship needs to end with a kiss or some fondling or something like that? Do we really have to see one final example of eroticization? Does it actually make us feel better? I think if whoever had just broken up with me were rubbing my neck like that, I’d give her what for.

40:33–Or kissing me. Like, really, what a bitchy thing to do. But here’s the thing. It’s Glee, and we all know that the relationships matter to the writers as much as fifty percent of American marriages mattered to the people in them.

41:37–Right, so the kids will take drug money from someone who was fired by McKinley to finance their trip, but they wouldn’t get their parents to pay for it? What?

42:34–The contestants at Riverfront are named “D. Lightman,” “L. Dobler,” “G. LaChance,” and “Travis Strong.”  To the best of my knowledge, those are homages to WarGames, Say Anything, Stand by Me, and Radio Free Roscoe.

42:40–Really? No one in the studio thought, “We’d like to say hi to our friends in glee club” was just totally unnecessary? Actually, no one thought this entire episode was unnecessary?

Final thoughts: Worst episode of Glee I’ve seen. Stupid lessons, rehashing the worst elements of Glee, and overall good musical numbers that couldn’t distract from the idiocy of the plot. Congratulations, A Very Glee Christmas, you’re off the hook.

“I’ll finally get to see Marilyn.”

AL East: Boston Red Sox. The thing is, you just can’t bet against them this year. They’ve got the pitching, they’ve got the speed, they’ve got the power, they’ve got veterans, and they’ve got young talent. They have what should be the perfect storm. Jon Lester, Clay Buchholz and John Lackey are near about as good a top 3 as you can ask for realistically (oh wait, unless you’re the Phillies and massively overspend on old players prone to injury and have the most expensive rotation in the history of rotations).  Their bullpen is incredible, they have 3 potential closers in a 6-man bullpen. Lester and Buchholz will be in the mix for Cy Young winner and the additions of Adrian Gonzalez (6.3 WAR) and Carl Crawford (4.7 WAR) instantly make them 11 games better than last season.

AL Central: Chicago White Sox … in a really close divisional finish. The White Sox however have a righty power hitter in Konerko, a lefty power hitter in Dunn, have great support in Rios and Beckham and have some extra power from Quentin. U.S. Cellular Field is going to get thoroughly bombed in 2011. Their starting rotation could not meet expectations but could also greatly exceed them, depending on how consistent Jackson is, whether Floyd and Danks continue to be solid. They’re getting Peavy back soon and when they do, their rotation should be very good indeed. The Twins, Tigers or White Sox could win this division, and it will likely come down to the last 10 games of the season. The Twins have the dependable fan favorites but could falter in their pitching and 2B-SS-3B trio. The Tigers don’t have an incredible lineup outside of Cabrera, Ordonez and potentially Austin Jackson. Out of 100% I’d give the White Sox a 35% chance of winning the division, the Twins 34% and the Tigers 31%.

AL West: Texas Rangers. They are still really good despite losing Cliff Lee. Their starting pitching may be shaky but their lineup is only getting better from last year, especially with the addition of Beltre. Borbon and Andrus will improve and their lineup will have even more pop. I was close to picking the A’s here because of their starting pitching, but their lineup is too much of a question to make them more of a sure thing than the Rangers, however they could pull a San Diego of last year and skid by every game with pitching carrying them.

AL Wild Card: New York Yankees. I would love to pick the Twins, they’ve got that ‘nice guys finishing first’ feel but every time I count the Yankees out, their overly robust salary will buy them a playoff spot, it just happens. The Yankees have good to great pitching and good to great hitting. It’ll be enough to get them into the playoffs. They’re like Duke, don’t count them out because chances are, they will make a comeback at the right time.

AL MVP: Adrian Gonzalez. He is 28, hits 30 HR’s, 100 RBI’s, 30+ doubles, batted .300 in 2010 and his OBP is .100+ higher than his BA. He’s only getting better as he ages too.

AL Cy Young: Felix Hernandez. He is arguably the best pitcher in the major leagues along with Roy Halladay. His raw talent will improve, because HE’S 25! That’s mind-boggling to think about, but he keeps getting better and better.

AL Rookie of the Year: J.P. Arencibia. While Hellickson is the popular pick I believe this slugging catcher will put the pieces together and more in his first full season. There’s a string of great young catchers who can also hit in the majors, Joe Mauer is only the first of many to come.

AL Championship: Boston Red Sox vs. Chicago White Sox. Like I already said I can’t bet against the Red Sox’s lineup, starting pitching, and that bullpen. I may be the only person who thinks the White Sox will get this far, but with the addition of Adam Dunn (a lefty slugger in a hitter’s park) and the growth of youth like Gordon Beckham and Alexei Ramirez, they’ll be solid.

AL Champion: Boston. They’re just too good in so many ways not to pick ‘em here.

NL East: Philadelphia Phillies. The Braves are great, but the Phillies are stacked. No pitching rotation has ever been assembled like this. Cliff Lee and Roy Halladay are two of the most dependable pitchers in the league, Roy Oswalt has a career 3.18 ERA, and Cole Hamels is developing into great pitcher (and he’s their #4 in the rotation). Their hitting is old, and while old means more injuries, it also means dependable. The only things preventing this team from clinching the division will be a lack of depth, Dominic Brown’s injury, the health of Utley and Lidge and their bullpen. That’s a lot of questions, but there isn’t a better rotation anywhere. They’ll make the playoffs a few games ahead of the Braves.

NL Central: Cincinnati Reds. The Reds have an ideal mix of young and veteran talent. Their pitching is young and anchored by Bronson Arroyo. Travis Wood and Mike Leake are young but very competent, and getting better. Leake can hit too. Their pitching isn’t knock-your-socks-off good but they get the job done. Their hitting however is stellar. Drew Stubbs and Jay Bruce lead the youth movement and Scott Rolen, Joey Votto and Brandon Phillips are the glue to the offense. These guys were good last year but the young guys are only getting better. Count on the Brewers finishing better than expected, but the Reds will edge them out with their young talent.

NL West: San Francisco Giants. This division is better than many people think. The Rockies have the potential to far exceed expectations, the Dodgers are perennially good and the Padres return this year with much improved offense with the addition of Ryan Ludwick, Cameron Maybin, Jason Bartlett, Orlando Hudson and Will Venable’s bright potential. The Padres will surprise but the Giants have a top 5 pitching staff, a top 5 closer and a good mix of superstar young talent and veteran strength. They will get the job done.

NL Wild Card: Atlanta Braves. They’ll finish close to the Phillies, but if this team doesn’t make the playoffs it will be one of the biggest surprises of 2011. Their hitting is phenomenal and their starters will be supported in few-and-far-between tough times by an awesome bullpen. They will turn many heads this season.

NL MVP: Albert Pujols. The soon-to-be greatest baseball player of all time will win this season as he supports his team’s futile playoff run. Look for Tulowitzki, Posey and Votto to be close on his back. A surprise pick for a top 5 finisher in MVP voting: Matt Kemp. He is bound to have a breakout year sooner rather than later. He’s got speed, power and can hit for average. Take his 2009 season: .297 AVG, 26 HRs, 101 RBIs and 34 SBs in 42 attempts. He can put the pieces together and I believe he will fully this year or the next.

NL Cy Young: Josh Johnson. The addition of Vazquez and Nolasco improving will push him to further and greater success. He had the lowest ERA of any pitcher in 2010 and a 1.11 WHIP. He will have better run support and his wins will surely improve from his 11 last season.

NL Rookie of the Year: Freddie Freeman. With the Braves making a serious run to and into the playoffs this year, Freeman will find his groove in a lineup full of talent and power hitting. While pitchers are trying to avoid the other hitters he will teach everyone a lesson in the dangers of underestimation. Freeman is batting 8^th behind Alex Gonzalez and Jason Heyward, that’s how good they are. He’ll sneak up on pitchers when they think they’re safe dealing with the bottom of their lineup.

NL Champion: Atlanta Braves. Their lineup is to hitting as the Phillies rotation is to pitching. Here’s the difference: the Braves aren’t as old, and they’ve got a good rotation, especially a solid 1-3, which is very important in the playoffs. If the Braves get through the Phils in the playoffs, they have a good chance at winning it all.

World Series Champion: Atlanta Braves. Their 1-3 pitchers and their bullpen will best the Red Sox’s strong, but fallible lineup. I have to guess this series would go 7 games. Dang, if only I weren’t a Nationals fan, I wouldn’t have to deal with these guys in the coming years

Point of Interest: Yes I’m a Nationals fan, but I do believe Michael Morse of the Washington Nationals will become a Jayson Werth type player. Here’s the website that got me thinking on the subject (I’m not taking credit for this discovery):

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/nationalsjournal/2011/02/is_michael_morse_the_next_jays.html

He’s still learning, yes at a late age (just like Werth did) to be a smart hitter. He’s got the tools and his performance last year in a role-sharing and pinch-hitting position might be telling of his future: 266 at bats, 12 doubles, 15 HRs, 41 RBIs, .289 BA, .352 OBP, .519 SLG. I hope he pans out as I envision, but he definitely has the potential to.

” Get these f****** nuns away from me!”

ANYWAY.

Baseball is something that I’ve recently rediscovered (you might know this if you’ve happened upon “The Pittsburgh Pirates Really Suck”, which can be found here: http://listsoncaffeine.wordpress.com/2011/03/22/the-pittsburgh-pirates-suck/ )

Shameless plug.

Ok, back to the task at hand. I can only hope that this baseball season will be interesting as I will most certainly be paying attention this year. I will admit, at the onset, that I in NO WAY consider myself a baseball expert. I enjoy the game, and have even sort of paid attention to the most abysmal team in baseball the last few years (The Pirates), but I’m just not an expert. So, take everything I say prediction wise with a grain of salt.

I’ll first focus on the AL West as I’ll be paying closest attention to them this year. Last year the division finished like this:

2010 AL West Standings

So I’ve been asking myself, “can the A’s really make up the 9 games to win this division this year?”. I think they can for a few reasons.

1. There pitching staff is SO GOOD. And will continue to improve throughout the season. And everyone is starting to hear about their starting rotation, but they’ve significantly improved their bullpen and are the deepest in the MLB this year. That’s just kind of scary…

2. They went out and got some bats. Granted, the best player they picked up is probably Josh Willingham. But, David DeJesus and Godzilla (Hideki Matsui) have a few good at-bats left in the tank and should be able to improve the offensive production of poor A’s offense from last year.

3. Texas will not win as many games as last year. This will occur by Seattle and Anaheim beating the Rangers more.

4. I’ve heard people mentioning that they’re too young…their average age is around 28 years. They have multiple veterans in the field and in the pen…I think they’ll be fine.

5. I just have to root for this to happen. Because no way the A’s are grabbing the wildcard as Tim has shown us to come out of the AL East 75% of the time.

So, go A’s! Can you even call me a homer? I’m from Pittsburgh. I believe in Billy Beane’s genius to carry this A’s team into the post season for the first time since 2006. At the very least, they’ll be an exciting team to watch over the summer and will give me something to do.

Now on to the rest of the American League. Let’s be boring with the American League East, Ok? Midway through the season, every one is going to start freaking out because the Yankees aren’t winning as many games as they should before the All-Star break. They still get 6 guys into the All-star game despite their “woes”, and then in the second half are one of the best teams in baseball because they start scoring an average of 6 runs a game. The Yankees will grab the American League wild card and the Red Sox will be 5 games ahead of them at the end of the season, winning the AL East. Blah. Ok. Yuck. Glad that’s over. I hate both of those teams but the fact is no one will be able to touch them in their division this year. Maybe Jose Bautista (an ex-Pirate, mind you) and co. will take a few games from both teams but I just don’t see any team beating out the BoSox or the Yankees in this division. Which sucks…alot….

The AL Central is a fun division because that low-budget team from Minnesota has found much success in the last decade. But, how can a team that finds so much success constantly be beaten into submission in the playoffs? There ability to fizzle out in October is worrisome, and the White Sox made a few solid postseason moves, especially in Adam Dunn that will allow them to capture this division, only a few games ahead of the Twins.

So, out of the American League, I have the Boston Red Sox, the Chicago White Sox, the Oakland Athletics and the New York Yankees.

So what about the National League? I see the Phillies beating out the Braves by a game in the Regular Season. But honestly, I can just as easily see them losing this division to the Braves. I know Tim won’t agree, but I’m not sure that their already beat up lineup can be good enough, even with their incredible pitching. I still think that they will win this Eastern division in the end, but not by much.

The Reds, with a solid lineup in Central division, will win the division led by hitting extraordinaire, Joey Votto. They have a solid lineup and rotation and I see them being very consistent throughout the year. The dominance of this division by the Cardinals over the last decade in this division will finally come to an end as they don’t even make the playoffs this year. They’ll lose Pujols in the off-season and everyone in St. Louis will ask “why?” once the 2012 season starts. The Brewers, once Zack Greinke heals up, will make some noise in the NL Central and should be in the race for the wildcard at the end of the season.

The Pirates will finish 75-87. The season will be considered a success because we stayed in double digits in the loss column. Clint Hurdle, the new skipper this year, will get a contract extension. Everyone will be optimistic even though nothing good actually happened. Who knows, if we’re lucky, Andrew McCutchen will get traded in the middle of this season for a contender.

And finally, the NL West. Let’s make this painless. Giants win the division. Colorado finishes 2nd and looks like they might grab the wildcard only to fall apart in the last month of the season.

So, out of the National League, I have the Philadelphia Phillies, the Cincinnati Reds, the San Francisco Giants, and the Atlanta Braves.

Playoffs:

American League: Order is restored when the Yankees beat the Athletics in the divisional round 3-2. Boston tops the White Sox. In the matchup everyone wants to see Boston pulls it out over the Yankees in 6.

National League: The Phillies sweep the Giants, no repeat here. The Braves squeak it out over the Reds, 3-2. The Braves, in a “statement of the future” series, beat the Phils 4-2.

World Series: Braves beat the BoSox in 7. Their young talent, especially Jason Heyward, become household names.

“Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Linus, Lucy…how can I ever forget them…”

People like to measure the importance of a memory through the “where were you when _____ happened?” test. I know exactly where I was when the Phillies signed Cliff Lee this offseason: I was sitting in the laundry room on my residence hall, typing up a ten page paper about how the Westboro Baptist Church could be logically read as an ultra-Calvinist religious body rather than a run-of-the-mill hate group. Anyway, the excitement was palpable. The excitement has since faded with time and with the remarkable string of injuries that have steamrolled the Phillies this spring. Brad Lidge won’t be starting the season, Dom Brown has a power-sapping hand injury that will derail him for some time, Placido Polanco’s elbow is acting up, and most importantly, the best second baseman in the National League is out for some undetermined amount of time: Chase Utley’s knee is not in good shape at all. But that doesn’t change the fact that the Phillies have arguably the best right-handed and best left-handed starting pitches in baseball in Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee, and that Roy Oswalt and Cole Hamels would be aces on a number of other squads. Assuming that all four of them can stay healthy (which is a pretty good bet), the pitching should make up for the lack of a good second baseman and at least one other big injury. It may not be as awe-inspiring as it would have been with Chase Utley or say, Jayson Werth, but this is still an elite team with elite talent. Let’s not pretend that the Phillies stopped being the best team in the National League.

My focus, as a Phillies fan, is on the National League East. But the story I’m going to be keeping track of is the American League Wild Card. The Red Sox are widely considered the favorite in the AL East because they picked up the two best free agent position players, Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford. The AL Central is always a streetfight between the Twins and someone else (usually the White Sox or Tigers), and the Angels have proven to be vulnerable in the AL West with the ascension of the reigning AL champion Rangers. We are entering the seventeenth year of the Wild Card; in eleven of those years, the Red Sox or Yankees won it (and the Orioles won it once.) For you mathematically inclined people in the audience, the AL East has produced two playoff teams 75% of the time since they first became eligible to do so. The AL Central has given us a Wild Card team once.

My picks:

AL East: Boston Red Sox. Gonzalez and Crawford should lend more punch to a team that hardly needed it, while Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz should be as good as ever. Expect John Lackey, if not Josh Beckett, to rebound. And remember just how lacerated by injuries these guys were last year. They need to hope that they stay healthy and that John Henry’s money doesn’t run out.

AL Central: Chicago White Sox. Hard to bet against the Twins, but I don’t trust the collective injury history they have. I tell you their five best-known players, I’m naming five guys who were hurt recently: Carl Pavano, Francisco Liriano, Joe Nathan, Joe Mauer, and Justin Morneau. That’s their top two starters, their closer (not nearly as important as you think), and their best two position players. The White Sox have a solid rotation, and some great power hitters in a hitter’s park: Dunn, Konerko, and one hopes, Carlos Quentin.

AL West: Texas Rangers. This division has belonged to the Angels since the mid-2000s, but last year, the Rangers rode excellent hitting, good pitching, and some good fortune in the postseason to their first World Series berth. I hesitated to put them here, but I think they’ll be just good enough. Not a slam dunk pick by any means. I’d like to put the A’s here, but all I can think about was how good everyone expected the Mariners to be last year. I’ll go with a safer, less interesting choice here.

AL Wild Card: Minnesota Twins. Yeah, they have the flaws I mentioned. But if those guys stay healthy and the rest of the team plays at potential, there’s no reason for them not to make the playoffs. They also seem to make the playoffs every year, regardless of the troubles that they have. Based on their recent history (two consecutive postseason appearances), they’re going to make it in somehow.

AL MVP: 1B Adrian Gonzalez, Boston Red Sox. He’s hit more than thirty home runs every year in much bigger parks than Fenway (and Yankee Stadium and Camden Yards, where he’ll spend a lot of time). He’s a great player who’s going to have every oppurtunity to get better. Robinson Cano and Evan Longoria have to be in this discussion as well.

AL Cy Young: LHP Jon Lester, Boston Red Sox. I’m hesitant to have my MVP and CYA winners on the same team. Even I’m not quite that crazy about the Bosox. But Lester is such an excellent pitcher who strikes out a lot of guys and does not let up a lot of runs over the 200+ innings he pitches. The only reason I’m not picking Felix Hernandez is because he won last year, but let’s face it, you can (and maybe you should) make a case for him as the best pitcher in baseball right now. Also going to put down Jered Weaver’s name, especially if the Angels do well.

AL Rookie of the Year: I have Tampa Bay’s RHP Jeremy Hellickson winning this. He’s been lethal in the minors, and I like his chances in the majors. God knows there’ s plenty of room for him in that rotation. Kansas City 3B Mike Moustakas also stands a fair chance at the award.

Players to keep an eye on: Baltimore SS J.J. Hardy had two very good seasons in Milwaukee from 2007-8, and has been some combination of injured and ineffective ever since. He turns 29 in August, so he’s very much in his prime. If he’s healthy, he could make some noise. Shin-Soo Choo will quietly continue to be one of the best players in baseball with the least name recognition as he loiters in the hellish backwater that is Cleveland. The Michael Young situation in Texas is something to keep an eye on. One of the reasons I’m predicting that the White Sox win their division is because I’m counting on young second baseman Gordon Beckham to have a good season. There’s a lot of buzz about two young pitchers in Toronto, LH Ricky Romero and RH Brandon Morrow.

AL Champions: Minnesota Twins defeat Boston Red Sox in six games. Hey, if the Yankees aren’t there…

NL East: Philadelphia Phillies. See above.

NL Central: St. Louis Cardinals. This, to me, is the biggest toss-up of them all. I think Cincinnati is perfectly capable of taking home a second straight division crown, and the Milwaukee Brewers are dangerous, but St. Louis is just such a safe pick. Losing Adam Wainwright, one of the five or six best pitchers in the National League, hurts bad. But Carpenter is still a very good pitcher, Jaime Garcia was excellent last year, and Jake Westbrook is more than capable. Kyle McClellan is talented and Kyle Lohse just needs to be mediocre. The offense isn’t the best in the division either, but they have the consensus best player in baseball, Albert Pujols. There’s more than enough talent on this team to take the weak NL Central, and this team has been consistently good longer than any other in the division.

NL West: San Francisco Giants. If I say that the Phillies should be good enough to win their division based on their starting staff, I have to say that the Giants, with their very fine front four, should win their division. And while this decision isn’t tormenting me quite as much as the wasabi that I just swallowed way too much of at once (the original thought was “as much as picking the Cardinals.” Really, don’t eat sushi while blogging), it still hurts. The Rockies and the Dodgers both have the potential to take this division, but the Rockies are going to have to find someone who can reliably come after Ubaldo Jimenez in the rotation, and the Dodgers have to hope that Matt Kemp and James Loney rebound. I have fewer questions concerning the Giants.

NL Wild Card: Atlanta Braves. There are not a lot of holes in this team at all, and like last year, that’s why they’ll make it into the playoffs and the Reds, Brewers, Rockies, and Dodgers will be on the outside looking in. I like the Brewers a lot, with a powerful combination at the top of the rotation (if Greinke comes back when he should) and a powerful combination in the middle of the rotation (Prince Fielder and the criminally underrated Ryan Braun). The only problem I see is that they could easily fall out of contention by the trade deadline and decide to cut their losses and trade Fielder. There’s a lot of upside on all of these teams; whoever gets luckiest is going to take the final spot.

NL MVP: 1B Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals. If being in a contract year positively affects performance (that’d be an interesting study to undertake), and the best hitter in recent history is in a contract year and still in his prime, you get Pujols. Colorado boasts two potential candidates in Carlos Gonzalez and Troy Tulowitzski; Ryans Braun, Howard, and Zimmerman should also get consideration.

NL Cy Young: LHP Cliff Lee, Philadelphia Phillies. I mean, you could put any of the Phour here and I wouldn’t argue with you (I think Cole Hamels has a really good shot this year, to be perfectly honest). I just remember Cliff Lee’s first few weeks in Philadelphia in 2009; they were absolutely unreal. This is not to besmirch reigning NL Cy Young winner Roy Halladay’s chances, which are excellent. Florida’s Josh Johnson is one of the best and most underrated hurlers in the game today. Tim Lincecum deserves attention here as well.

NL Rookie of the Year: 1B Freddie Freeman, Atlanta Braves. Freeman appears to be comfortable at the major league level already, and he appears to be ready to do work. 1B Brandon Belt of the Giants will be in the discussion as soon as he comes up from the minor “leagues, as he appears to be close to ready. And let’s not forget Reds lefty Aroldis ”105 mile per hour fastball” Chapman, who’s still eligible for this award.

Players to keep an eye on: Giants catcher Buster Posey has held up well thus far, but we’ll see if that naughty sophomore slump affects him. If he plays like he did last year, he has a very good shot in the MVP race. Marlins outfielder Mike Stanton hit 22 home runs in less than 400 at-bats last year, and should be prepared to destroy National League pitching in his second season. And while we’re still talking about second year players, you have to look out for Jason Heyward. Milwaukee’s Rickie Weeks has quietly become a major offensive producer. Jimmy Rollins needs to have a very good year to make sure that the Phillies middle infield doesn’t sink without Chase Utley.

NL Champions: Phillies beat the Giants in seven. I’m assuming they have Utley back by like, August.

World Series Champions: Phillies beat the Twins in five. Hurray for being a shameless homer who is still thrilled about the best pitching staff of the new millennium.

“That’s not true! I’m going to die in this suit?”

My father and younger brother both called me the other week very excited after attending a mixer between Pirates fans and players. They had gotten to talk at length to Ross Ohlendorf, one of the Pirates’ underachieving and overpaid pitchers and Josh, my younger brother, impressed Ohlendorf with his wealth of baseball understanding. I sometimes wish that I had the steely resolve towards rooting for a team (granted the hometown team) that refuses to do anything but let us down, over and over again. I’m just not that noble of a fan, or a person for that matter. This character flaw has inspired these words.

I will be the first to point out that I have grown up in a fantastic environment of successful professional sports. Pittsburgh has the best football franchise of the modern era (thanks, Art II!) and a hockey team that has already won one Stanley Cup in recent history (two in the early ’90s) and will surely add at least one more over the coming years. But, the Pittsburgh Pirates make these warm fuzzy feelings disintegrate faster than taking an Organic Chemistry test. It is unfortunately always the same pathetic story. Early spring rolls around where I once again get sucked into headlines of the new “young and improved” team with true raw talent that will surely break through that barrier of 19 losing seasons. Once I find myself in mid-summer do I finally admit to myself, once again, that my team sucks. This is especially frustrating as it leaves me with little to do during the rest of the summer. (see graph of frustration below)

With all due respect, Mr. Nutting, SCREW YOU. One of my favorite parts of the Pirates season is Nutting’s yearly dispersal draft when the Pirates send off our most promising prospects to our Major League affiliates, the Yankees and Red Sox. But I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge some of Nutting’s successful additions to the Pittsburgh Pirates organization. His “Let’s go Bucs, Let’s go Green” initiative gave a glimpse of Nutting’s soul and his passion for the environment. My only suggestion to him would be to paint the seats great in PNC Park, because he sure would be seeing plenty of green seat backs throughout the summer. Then again, that would cost money.

This just in, the Pirate Parrot and Captain Jolly Roger have been traded to the Buccaneers for Pegleg the Scurvy Riddled Pirate and three lower minor league mascots.

The Pittsburgh Pirates really do suck. Yes, there is history there. Yes, Willie “Pops” Stargell, Roberto Clemente, and Bill Mazeroski were all great, but great long before I was born. Too long. Maybe I’ve been spoiled by such a successful winning culture in my other Pittsburgh sports, but can you really blame me for wanting something more? For wanting something that I can stand behind and believe in? When you boil it all down, I just don’t quite appreciate the essence of baseball enough to stay rooted to my hometown team and suffer the consequences that come with solely rooting for the Pittsburgh Pirates.

I do, however, appreciate the game enough to embark on a journey that I believe will allow me to adopt a Major League baseball team that will hopefully (please God, please!) inspire me to fall in love with what was once deemed America’s Pastime. So, with a legitimate fear of losing my birth right upon embarking on this quest, here goes.

To pick the right team for me, some ground rules had to be laid out. Here is a summary of those guidelines.

1. I cannot choose to follow the New York Yankees. I absolutely hate the New York Yankees. They are the sole reason that makes it hard for me to get into baseball. The organization is ruining the game.

2. I cannot choose the Boston Red Sox for similar reasons. Notably, people from Boston are only marginally less abrasive than people from New York.

3. Everyone in the National League Central is out. This is the Pirates’ division. While it might be fun to root for a team that beats the Pirates, I cannot in good conscience do this.

4. All hometown teams of my closest friends are out. This is a tough one to stomach and eliminates a whole bunch of worthy prospects. I’d love to throw on a Nationals hat in preparation of their dominance over the NL East four years from now.

5. No team in the division of said “closest friends”.

6. No team can be selected that has had recent success (“success” will be a loosely defined term, but will mainly be limited to making the playoffs-why didn’t I decide to do this two years ago San Francisco, why?).

7. No team from Cleveland.

Below is the entire National League split up into respective divisions. By applying above rules, most teams are out.

The National League Ratings

Key to Divison Map:

1. No freakin’ way.
2. Ya…really not a good idea.
3. Leaning towards no…
4. I mean, I could consider it.
5. Let’s take a closer look, this could be our team.

The American League Ratings

As you can see, this has very quickly whittled down prospective teams. With some personal bias in hand, my final list comes down to the Chicago White Sox, the Oakland Athletics, the San Diego Padres, the Tampa Bay Rays, and the Toronto Blue Jays. I have given an exception of the Rays’ recent success by making the playoffs only because they lost about every relevant player on their team while also picking up washed-up big name players such as Johnny Damon and Manny Ramirez. For a while I considered the Kansas City Royals, but why go through all the trouble to root for another awful team that is just too similar to the Pirates (and ultimately, same thought for the Mariners)? But five teams are still too many and I must continue to eliminate possible candidates.

I don’t have the greatest feeling about the Chicago White Sox. I’m not altogether interested in getting behind a team that shares a city. I’m a fan of Mark Buerhle and co. but I’m going to have to turn down the offer. The San Diego Padres are another interesting prospect. In recent years they’ve gotten close to breaking through and had a nice recent record breaker in their ex-closer, Trevor Hoffman (even though he blew the All-Star Game a few years ago). Also, ever since they took Brian Giles (and Jason Kendall) from the Pirates, I’ve always kind of kept an eye on them. But, they’ve been a little too successful as of late for me to choose so I’ll move on. A few things scare me away from the Rays. 1. Their fan base is awful! How can you have such an exciting young team and just not care. The city of Pittsburgh would eat this team up if we had them. Come to Pittsburgh! 2. They just recently lost so many relevant starters, which I guess is why I’m even able to consider adopting them, but still… 3. I have a funny feeling about all the success they’ve been having in their division. Soon, the Yankees and Red Sox are going to figure them out and that will be the end of it. Therefore, I select the…

The A's

and the Blue Jay's

…for final consideration.

Interestingly enough, I find these two teams intriguing for different reasons. First, the Blue Jays. The Blue Jays aren’t afraid of spending some money (their average payroll is over 70 million over the past five years) and have a competent general manager. Their previous general manager, J.P. Ricciardi ran a good operation and cultivated talents such as Ted Lilly, Eric Hinske, Vernon Wells, and most importantly, Roy Halladay. I believe that in a different division the Blue Jays could do some serious damage as they are managed effectively and are often able to compete in their division. I love and hate their divisional situation. How sweet would it be to be able to root against the Red Sox and Yankees. It might also get a little old to root for a team that constantly gets beat by the Red Sox and Yankees too…

The Blue Jays have quite a bit of promise, which is obviously a plus. Promise meets some money spending! When the new General Manager Alex Anthopoulos traded away Roy Halladay, a new era in Blue Jays baseball began. They were able to open the doors to new, younger talent and shed a lot of excess salary hit in the process. I, in general, respect the front office and their management of this team even with the other teams more than doubling the Blue Jays payroll. It takes a savvy front office to build teams that can compete with the money mongers from Boston and New York. My last positive consideration for the Blue Jays is Tony LaCava, head of player development for the Jays, is a family friend and resides about 6 blocks away from my home in Pittsburgh, PA. The Blue Jays make an interesting case.

Now the Oakland Athletics are a fascinating organization. Billy Beane, a failed big leaguer turned general manager had a book written about him and his organization entitled Moneyball. It recounts the genius reinvention of how scouting works and is a testament to Beane’s intellect and brilliant view of what is really important in baseball. Or maybe it was just a gutsy experiment that worked out pretty well. Regardless, Moneyball is a cool thing to rally behind and believe in as a possible A’s fan. The A’s, according to Baseball-reference.com, have an average payroll of $56 million over the past five years. This is admittedly a very small budget and I might not know what I’m getting myself into with the level of frustration involved in how the Athletics operate.

The A’s also don’t have very good facilities or an impressive fanbase. Their lack of a good stadium really is a shame but the fact that the following the A’s isn’t trendy at all is something I kind of like. The real story behind why I like the A’s is how their front office operates! Billy Beane has redefined what a ruthless General Manager can do for a franchise. Front offices around the league are often afraid to deal with the shrewd Beane because of how many favorable deals he somehow pens for the team. Billy Beane has created a baseball managing philosophy that looks past what an old-fashioned scout looks for. The Oakland A’s didn’t create sabermetrics (the advanced statistical analysis of baseball) but they were the first franchise under Billy Beane to begin exploiting sabermetrics to it’s full potential.

The Oakland A’s are able to compete with teams that spend 200-300% of their payroll. Billy Beane is an inspiring character that brings something that I love to the game of baseball; logic and science. The A’s give me something to stand behind. Constantly being underdogs and spending money as efficiently as possible, by reinventing how scouting is done, is something to be proud of and cherish. The A’s have that “it” factor that for reasons that can’t be verbalized, make me want to root for them. So it’s settled.

From now on, and passing this loyalty down to my children, I am an Oakland Athletics fan. I just have one last concern…how will I look in green?

Let's go A's!

“I’m shot. I’m shot.”

0:00–This episode was written by Ryan Murphy.

0:52–I think they have slowly but surely been trying to make Dalton Academy less of a stool choir and more of an active body. See this routine for proof.

1:58–I found out recently that Darren Criss auditioned for Finn. I do like Cory Monteith in the role. I think he makes sense in that role as an actor and as a physical specimen. But this performance of “Misery,” which is not even his best work, makes me salivate over the possibilities of Criss/Michele duets that will never happen. (“Don’t You Want Me” was awesome. And that’s probably the only one they’ll get.) By the way, this was not even on my radar of Maroon 5 I expected them to do, but I enjoyed “Misery” a lot.

2:38–Actually, it’s Darren Criss and the Tufts University Beelzebubs, as I am so fond of pointing out. God, I just want to smack Kurt in the face. I still think Chris Colfer is awesome (great voice, consistently good tweets, etc.), but Kurt just finds a new way to be obnoxious every episode. It’s a Ryan Murphy thing.

3:01–Lea Michele is so good at low-key comedy.

 3:20–”Wherefore” doesn’t mean “where,” it means “why”…

4:15–She does cry every time she sings a solo. I don’t know who tells her to do that.

4:36–Finn’s damaged, but I know who played a major role in damaging him. Lookin’ at you there, Quinn.

6:17–I guess we should have known when they named the canary after a recently deceased tenor that his days were numbered. Poor guy.

6:45–My opinion of Kurt is so low right now and Ryan Murphy was so bad at writing that I was pretty sure that Kurt killed Pavarotti so he could sing in front of people. I mean, it’s close. They killed Pavarotti off so they could see “Blackbird” on iTunes, but whatever. This should have stopped upsetting me a while ago, but this is one of my Glee pet peeves that I can’t let go of.

8:40–Chris Colfer is 2-2 on really simple, really pretty interpretations of Beatles songs. I’m still not pleased that this was so obviously put in there for iTunes (like, really, canaries are yellow and just because the song is sad and has “bird” in the title doesn’t mean it’s a good idea), but it was nice, if totally unnecessary.

10:16–The choice is My Chemical Romance or an original song written by the songwriter behind “My Headband” and “Only Child”? Maybe it is a miracle they won their regional.

10:56–If you’re only going to spend thirty seconds of your forty-five minutes of television about something, why bother mentioning it? Santittany is fascinating, and they brought us the most emotionally touching moment of the second season, but this was just sort of lame.

12:49–It was about here that I tweeted, “Watching Kurt lose at Regionals is going to be so very very sweet.” Everyone loves a nice dose of false humility that begets the adulation of the group.

13:23–I think my second favorite moment of the episode was seeing Mike Chang lean over and tell Sam that the song is called “Trouty Mouth.”

14:40–I think “Trouty Mouth” is the perfect illustration of Ryan Murphy’s style. Say you’re out a bar with your man-friends, and everyone is laughing and having a good time. Someone makes a joke, and as a group you play off that joke to its natural conclusion, but there is always one dude who keeps trying to make that joke last until you finally have to say, “Srsly, bro, the joke is dead. You killed it.” Ryan Murphy doesn’t just kill jokes, he stabs them and then blows their heads off with a 12 gauge shotgun.

15:00–”It’s called Big Ass!…Heart.”

15:46–Mike Chang makes big-ass hearts with his hands.

16:15–I’m calling it. “Big-ass Heart” was the best song of this episode.  Definitely the funniest part of the episode. Best cross-rhyming I’ve heard in years.

16:27–If you’ll indulge me for just a moment. I watch Glee in a classroom every week because my roommate, Mike Tyson, is terrified that if he watches Glee it’ll make him as gay as it makes me. Also, NCIS is on at the same time and it’s his favorite show, so I let him watch that on his television. Anyway, the classrooms have big screens, so I’m watching this episode of Glee on a big screen and then there’s a close-up of Dianna Agron’s face, and I kid you not, I literally stopped breathing.

17:10–”Whoa, scary Quinn.”

17:20–She’s terrifying. It’s awesome.

17:50–”Candles” is definitely Top 40. Not like I’m an expert in Top 40, but I had never heard of the song or the band that does it.

18:28–Not gonna lie, I lost  the room I was watching this in, and I was searching for a new one. I missed this scene. Thank God I did. No one needs to watch me yell at the screen.

18:36–Kurt moves me to wanting to commit acts of great violence.

18:59–So yes, I missed the kiss. I’m curious to hear what my gay religion professor would have to say about this; the man is a master of gender studies, especially as it relates to pop culture. He said that Blaine singing “Teenage Dream” to Kurt was a first in television, a gay guy singing right to a gay guy. A gay guy kissing a gay guy for fifteen seconds? That’s news. And if nothing else, having that exposure on television is something I can get behind.

19:25–I forgot Mercedes was on this show.

21:11–”Hell to the No” could totally be a radio hit if they made the lyrics more generic. Even with the songs they did at Regionals in mind, this is the only original song I would think has that potential.

21:20–I need a ”Hell No” page in my notebook to flash to professors.

22:58–Suck it, Rachel.

23:21–Quinn’s always been mean to  you, Rachel. You are the only threat she has to the life she wants. You don’t play nice with her when it comes to getting Finn. From Showmance: “You can kiss me if you want to,” knowing that Finn is dating someone else.

23:51–What an incredible backhanded compliment. Finn and Quinn belong in a bourgeois life together in Lima, and Rachel doesn’t belong there. And the way I read that, especially considering the earlier line “Damn her and her talent,” is that Rachel does not belong in the Rust Belt with Finn and Quinn.

24:12–Scary Quinn!

25:35–Rod Remington is one of my favorite characters on Glee. Local broadcasting legend and man about town…what a pro. I remember a self-descriptive line of his from Mash-Up. “You can’t tame the tiger.”

Rod Remington: had Tiger Blood before it went mainstream.

25:45–Kathy Griffin as a Sarah Palin/Christine O’Donnell impersonator…I mean, it’s not funny. It’s March, the Tea Party hasn’t been a relevant force in pop culture since November. I don’t care when he wrote it, it’s just dated now. A wise man once said that life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

26:44–You know, for all the crazy things that Sue’s Cheerios have done, that was a routine too simple even for Dakota Stanley. I really don’t get why Sue had to take over Aural Intensity. In the end, what did that really mean? It just let them keep Sue around for a few extra episodes, and she didn’t even say anything interesting. Just a stupid plot twist.

27:15–Kurt’s been bitching for two season that he never gets any solos. And when he does get a solo, he freaks. Gaaaah.

27:19–I’m judging you, Kurt.

27:36–So Kurt’s parents had the honeymoon money saved up that turned into Kurt’s tuition. Unless they get some kind of windfall, Kurt’s going to be back at McKinley next fall. I don’t see it being sustainable to have a dual focus on two schools for any longer than they’ve kept it up. So the question is, when Kurt comes to McKinley, will Blaine also come to McKinley? Or will they let Darren Criss go the way they let Jonathan Groff go? Somehow I don’t see it. I think Blaine comes back to McKinley with Kurt. Maybe this is wishful thinking.

28:46–That was a soulful glance that Quinn’s iron fist crushed.

29:31–”Candles” was an okay cover, nothing to write home about.

29:46–And Kurt gets his moment in the sun. Just before losing! Call it karma.

31:28–I’m not a Pink fan. And the fact that even Darren Criss couldn’t change that for me says a lot.

32:11–So I guess that entering from the back is a Brad Falchuk thing. They came in a fairly normal way this time.

32:40–And it’s not just the karaoke microphones that sparkle…it’s all of them! Oh Glee.

33:50–”Oh my God, they’re doing original songs.”

36:00–That song was actually better than I gave it credit for. Most of that probably has to do with Lea Michele getting to do her thing for the first time in what feels like a really long time. Though it’s significantly louder and more theatrical than “Whispering,” from Spring Awakening, it reminded me of it.

36:09–”Being part of something special makes you special.”

36:15–She said “die-rections,” not “duh-rections.” First time they’ve ever been the “New Directions” and not the “Nude Erections.” Sadface.

37:23–Look, they’re doing that loser sign that is so indicative of the show! *facepalm*

38:33–The dancing, somehow, was not Finn-proof.

38:46–Oh, look, they’re throwing fake slushies! No one gets it but those of us in the know! Why are we being so cute? Remember when they did “My Life Would Suck Without You” for Will and they did little bits and pieces of some dances they had done in the past twelve episodes? Yeah, that was cute. This was just so contrived, even by Glee’s standards. And that says a lot.

39:06–Like really, who thought any of this was funny when they wrote it?

39:20–”The convent is the one place I knew I could stay off the pole.”

39:55–We get it. People don’t like gay people and they don’t like the lifestyle. And it’s wrong. Build on your argument, chief. Read some Michael Warner, a homosexual queer theorist who suggests that gay marriage is counterproductive to gay rights. Educate yourselves.

40:31–I’ve never been to Ohio, and I had no idea if the lieutenant governor was actually this Stevens character they mentioned. It’s not. It’s Mary Taylor. I looked that up just now. Mercifully for Glee’s legal fees, there’s no Carla Turlington Stevens.

41:05–The Nude Erections are going to Nationals in New York. And I knew they would. We all knew they would. And maybe that’s why I didn’t care the way I did when they lost at Regionals last season? I dunno.

41:36–And, right, Sue has to do something ridiculous. I’m starting a petition to bring back Brad Falchuk for competition episodes, how about it?

42:23–Fail, Kurt, fail!

42:27–Yeah, Blaine is way out of his league. Blaine’s way out of everyone’s league.

42:35–Not for Kurt it doesn’t. Kurt is like Rachel. It’d be nice if they could have a sexual relationship, but it’s so much more important for both of them to be stars than it is to be loved.

42:54–And when she’s not, you know, teaching at a different school.

43:18–The Regionals MVP is Rachel Berry…who soloed for both songs. That was easy.

44:21–All in all, just a bad episode. “Misery” and “Big-ass Heart” were spot-on. And everything else…just wasn’t. Here’s hoping that the glee club meets Vocal Adrenaline at Nationals somehow. Buddha, Allah, Satan, help me.

“Oscar, Oscar, we shall defend ourselves.”

0:00–This episode was written by Brad Falchuk. Looks like they’ve retained him after all, praise Allah.

0:16–Looking back, I should have known that this episode was going to be  a mess when Rachel was in the celibacy club. She had that whole impassioned monologue in Showmance that has become Glee’s basic position on teen sex: “it’d be nice if they could be celibate, but jeezus they all wanna do each other, so we should educate them.” This is Glee’s basic position on all controversial teen issues. It’s an intelligent position. So it’s weird to see their poster child in the celibacy club, even after all this “I’m done with boys, it’s me-time now” business.

1:12–Well, now I’m wondering if Glee really wants Emma to be deflowered by Will, or if Emma is just going to join a convent.

1:38–I don’t think that’s supposed to be an Oscar statuette behind Gwyneth Paltrow, but it sure looks like one. Weirdly enough, that’s how I feel about her having an Oscar.

1:43–I’ve been trying to figure out who she talks like, and it just struck me. It’s Thora Birch’s character in American Beauty, only all grown up. I was going to link a picture here, but I really don’t need boobs all over my blog. Google Image her sometime when you’re not at work.  You’ll see what I mean.

2:14–Well, it’s different than saying that vegetarianism is an option for lions, but whatever. This is why I don’t compare things.

2:26–Tennessee, Land of Ten Thousand Cousins.

2:45–Finn never had the sex talk with his mom…poor Finn.

2:47–Mercedes is weirdly consistent in not knowing about vegetables. She thought broccoli was a toilet brush, and cucumbers can give you AIDS. This is why our sex-ed teachers used a lightbulb.

3:04–Holly Holiday is right. Not three days ago, my brother’s Rolling Stone came. And despite the fact that the interview with her says that Snooki is really not a whore, she’s a nice, scared young woman, they surround her with phallic imagery. Semiotics, FTW!

3:34–It is very meta seeing Glee publicity photos end up in the lockers of the glee kids.

3:55–My original thought: “Oh, God, we can’t possibly be doing this again.”

4:54–

Not like this is required, but I did post the sing-along version. And who doesn’t love small animated baby animals?

5:10–Has anyone here ever done jazzercise before? Or seen someone do jazzercise in a tangible setting? I’m starting to think that it’s all just an elaborate myth.

5:33–Vegetable hiding. Riiiiight.

6:11–”And speaking of STDs, how is your dating life?”

6:44–I don’t know why people can’t say the words “penis” or “vagina” around each other in scientific settings. As far as I’m concerned, the vagueness that Will is currently modeling for us is the biggest problem with sex-ed right now.

7:19–Good description of sex from Holly Holiday. Better reaction to said description from Artie.

7:48–Rachel: “I will touch Quinn’s arm in a reassuring way to prove that we’re together!” Quinn: “I will recip–…screw this, whatever she’s got is catching.”

9:33–Yeah, it’s kind of weird that Artie is flirting (in song) with his substitute teacher.

9:56–”Too much?”

10:25–I’m always sort of tickled that no one ever looks in on the glee club performing something.

10:45–Cue horror for Brittany.

10:56–You’re darn tootin’. Not only have I never heard of Joan Armatrading, I had to put the captions on Hulu to figure out how to spell the name.

11:22–It’s funny watching Blaine, who is totally uninitiated in the way of Sue, try to figure out what the hell she is saying or why she’s saying it.

11:57–Extra points for use of the word “cahoots.” Adds instant silliness to any dastardly plot.

12:19–More extra points for Blaine taking Sue at face value. He’s quickly becoming my favorite character on this show.

12:27–Beiste got a haircut.

12:31–As my astute father noted, “I thought some of them already did.” That was a sleazy motel where Finn brought Santana back in the day.

12:58–There’s Will Schuester, the alcoholic teen vomit fetishist, looking off wistfully in the distance and imagining Emma nailing Holly Holiday…to the wall. *facepalm*

13:13–”If this is going where I think it’s going, I may need to sit down.”

13:27–I’m going to start going up to people I don’t know, shove them, and then tell them that they just got “Zized.”

13:52–That shot of Blaine through the legs of many schoolgirls…huh.

14:12–I know more than a few people who were more than a little turned on by that speech.

14:42–Those are the same people who would be “woooo!”ing at this performance.

15:39–

Bubbles! I love the bubbles! My bubbles.

15:45–Man I hope they plan to do that at Regionals. The song is sort of immaterial to me, but the foam party is a necessity.

16:34–If Twitter is a good judge of anything, the “sexy faces” line was the takeaway one of the night.

16:44–Well, that was loaded.

16:54–That’s “Tempted,” by Squeeze, playing in the background. There goes another ’80s song I was sure Glee would pull out of nowhere.

17:35–Glee’s always done a weirdly good job at being low-key. Maybe after watching the Warblers have a foam party, seeing Santana and Brittany (in Santana’s black-as-her-heart room) have a brief discussion of where they’re coming from feels really real.

17:50–Love that Puck and Lauren are watching a sex tape in (for Puck, the newly discovered) library.

18:27–”My sex tape with J.D. Salinger was a disaster.” Oh, thank goodness he’s dead. He deserves better than to hear me laughing at him. With him.

19:59–Why Santana and Brittany need Holly Holiday’s help to sing “Landslide” is beyond me.

20:00–This whole “Holly Holiday as older, wiser teenager” thing is interesting, to say the least. Not really sure how I feel about it just yet because she was so clueless in the last episode.

20:20–Darren Criss makes better “authentic” faces than anyone else on this show.

20:41–Kurt is so bourgeois. There. I said it. Though why some people get tattoos in certain areas escapes me as well.

"I'm not sure I understand it myself, Tim."

21:17–Really, that is a dangerously pronounced clavicle.

21:57–I’m going to chalk this segment up as a “miss.”

22:46–Maybe I’d be more impressed with this song/rendition/whatev if I knew anything about the original. YouTube won’t help me out.

23:39–Both of my parents have now referred to Will as a slut. Gotta love Glee and how it changes the family dynamic.

23:50–Will’s never been quite that creepy, though.

24:14–Like, trying to seduce women via Rocky Horror and then Prince…oh Will. Oh Glee.

25:02–When we started getting full-bore into this ”Kurt knows nothing about sex” subplot, you really start to see the gap between the writers. Ian Brennan, who wrote Duets and Blame It on the Alcohol, wants to explore Kurt as a sexual being who is extremely confident in himself and what he plans on getting out of it. Brad Falchuk, who wrote Ballad and this episode, seems more interested in seeing Kurt as vulnerable and unsure of how best to proceed in his sexuality. (Even in Ballad, where Kurt is trying to manipulate Finn into gaydom, there’s an innocence and transparency that takes the edge off of his plot.) So this show just gave us a scene two weeks ago where Kurt tells his dad to bone up on how gay guys do the deed, and now, Kurt wants nothing to do with sex. And even if Murphy/Falchuk/Brennan protest that they have a unified view of how Glee is supposed to work, scenes like this one prove that they’re all pulling it different ways.

27:34–Saw Finn and thought, “Gee, he hasn’t been around much this episode.”

28:04–Look at all that guitar playing Gwyneth is doing. Country Strong did something okay for the world.

29:02–”Landslide” wasn’t my first choice for a Fleetwood Mac song to come on Glee. If I had my ‘druthers, “Go Your Own Way” would have shown up. But this was a really gorgeous rendition, and those pregnant looks that Brittany and Santana were giving each other were very sad. (And now that we’ve seen someone play a banjo, this opens up a Whole New World of Mumford and Sons. Yaaaay.) Best song of the episode.

29:22–”Pretty cool how our girlfriends are such good friends, right? Wish you and I were that close.” And Artie realizes that, well, Sam has exceptional abs, and…

29:29–Rachel just used the phrase “Sapphic charm.” That’s the line that I’m going to assume went over the most heads last night.

30:18–God I love Puck’s sexcapades.

31:03–I need to find a screenshot of that face Artie’s making and make it my desktop. Holy crap that’s funny.

31:27–”Sky rockets in flight! Afternoon delight!” Watching this little sequence, I had three thoughts. First off, this was funny, but Arrested Development’s take on it was, as usual, better. Anchorman’s was slightly less amusing than Glee’s. Second, Glee meets Lawrence Welk is one of the most frightening things I’ve ever seen. Third, I was wondering if they were actually going to record this whole song. Well, it turns out they did.

You’re welcome.

32:20–Stamos! (Any Clone High fans out there?)

32:45–I’m not really sure what I’m going to write about this scene. Other than the fact that this is one of the most detailed sex talks I’ve ever run across.

34:11–Sex certainly signifies something. What it “means,” I don’t know.

35:42–”Girlfriend, what is up with that? He’s hot. You’re thirty.”

35:56–Stamos would be a cuddle monster.

36:30–I don’t see what that has to do with her refusing to bang Stamos. She wouldn’t have sex with Will either.

36:50–And all of a sudden, Will and Emma are more or less freed up to go do things together. Except for Stamos and Holly Holiday, but they’re unimportant. They’re just guest stars.

37:12–”I will not laugh during Sex Education class.” Very Bart Simpson on the whiteboard…”Funny things are not funny.”

38:09–Brittany never  seems to understand just what you’re trying to say.

38:22–See, lesbianism is okay. Guys alternately think it’s hot or it’s borderline natural. Women are supposed to be close with each other, as they are the emotionally and relationally attuned sex, and it doesn’t seem like a stretch that it might spill over into romance. And really, what can they do anyway? They can’t have real sex, because they don’t have penises. *facepalm*

38:45–Aw!

38:59–This broke my little heart.

39:51–Definitely the most emotional scene that Glee’s had since Theatricality and the “faggy” incident. I was actually emotionally invested in Santana and Brittany…I don’t get emotionally invested in television just as a matter of course. “Brava, brava.”

40:16–I like how Lauren looks down at Puck’s stomach like she can see if that thumbtack is still in there.

40:27–The afternoon deuce is a time-honored institution. I am trying so hard right now not to relate that back to “Afternoon Delight.”

41:20–I have no doubt that Puck can make a hicky in any shape or form he pleases, “like balloon animals.”

42:00–Bad Quinn! Sexy Quinn! Evil Quinn! I am so confused by my emotions.

42:20–Sky rockets in flight! Sorry. That damn song is going to be stuck in my head for the next week.

42:30–Right, Regionals. We care about those.

42:51–Unfortunately, I have made a similar Larry the Cucumber joke before, which I wholeheartedly regret. It means I could write for Glee. Boom, roasted!

43:49–Oh Will. So smooth. So quick with a turn-of-phrase. I just wish I could root for you anymore.

It was a messy episode. A lot of stuff going on that I’m not sure I was down with, and some weird characterizations that I’m not sure I got. But overall, the music was good, there were some chuckles, and Santittany had a moment in the sun. I don’t ask for a lot more than that.

“I have had no real gratification or enjoyment of any sort more than my neighbour on the next block who is worth only half a million.”